The greatest gift a parent of a toddler or preschooler can learn is how to ignore. I know what you’re saying, “Here goes that Calm Mom again, telling us to ignore our kids.” But, let me tell you. This is important! My husband calls it “gentle ignoring” and he is a master of it. I am terrible at it and am working on it each and every day! Personally, I think it is the hardest parenting skill you will have to master!

Why is gentle ignoring so very important for this age group? First, toddlers and preschoolers are famous for tantrums. The more you pay attention to tantruming kids, the more they will tantrum. So, put them in a safe spot, clearly say, “I am giving you a chance to calm down,” and walk away. This is not a punishment, it is a chance for your child to learn to soothe himself and a chance for you to resist doing things that are going to make your child tantrum more in the future.

Same goes for all sorts of other behavioral struggles. Siblings fighting in the playroom? Resist the urge to intervene. Little one throwing a fit over the fact that her Dora underwear are in the wash? Leave the room! Is your little one throwing a fit at your feet as you try to get dinner made? Keep cooking, Mom! Yes, you are going to HEAR everything your kids say, but you are going to have to learn to be selective in what you respond to!

At the same time, learn to praise good behavior. We are so used to noticing naughty behavior and criticizing it, that we all forget this crucial point. When your child pulls himself together after a tantrum, hug him, and say, “Wow, you really calmed yourself down. You’re awesome.” When you hear your kids successfully work out a problem in the playroom, go in and say, “Wow, you guys did a great job sorting that out!” When your little girl finally puts on her Minnie Mouse undies after having a good cry over the Dora ones, go into her room and say, “Nice undies! You did a great job getting dressed today!” When you little boy goes and grabs some trucks to play with as you cook dinner, bend down and say, “Cool trucks, buddy! I am so glad you’re keeping me company when I cook!” Cheerleading, while dumb-sounding to the grown-up set, works wonders with toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Yes, I know. Moms are harried, busy, stressed. Processed foods are easy, convenient, fast. But, keeping it “au natural” takes only a little more time. Let’s consider, for example, the ever popular chicken nugget. Most grocery store chicken nuggets are made of chopped up bits of various chicken parts. Dr. David Kessler, author of “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite,” would say that these nuggets are addictive because they are salty and fatty (and probably sweet too!), and also because they are so easy to eat. The processing makes them dissolve very easily in the mouth and the brain enjoys this experience. Instead, buy a chicken breast. Cut it into nuggets. Dip it in a beaten egg and in some lightly seasoned bread crumbs (that are ideally made of guess what – seasonings and bread!). Pop on a cookie sheet and bake. Your kids will love them and you’ll be taking your first step to preventing obesity.  Oh, and by the way, if you have your kids help you make them (they love doing all the dipping, and getting all eggy and sticky!), they will be more likely to actually eat them!

I want to share my favorite couple of lines from “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite,” by Dr. David Kessler: “People get fat because they eat more than people who are lean. I know this seems obvious, but we’ve spent decades being confused about it. Even now, some people question the link between food consumption and weight gain. But we finally have strong evidence that weight gain is primarily due to overeating.”

Let’s give some thought to how the issue of food consumption applies to small kids. The first thing to be aware of is that little kids are not big eaters. And, furthermore, kids’ eating habits can be pretty variable. Some days they will be ravenously hungry, other days barely interested in food. Do you know why this is? It is because kids are excellent regulators of hunger and satiety. They have not yet lost touch with these important internal signals like adults have through dieting (denying food when you are hungry) or through schedules (eating because it is time not because you are hungry) or through social cues (having dessert because everyone else is, even if you are full). So, keep your kids to a consistent eating schedule (three meals, two snacks for most young kids) but don’t panic if they don’t eat. If you demand that they clear their plate, you are messing with their internal cues that are so important to them staying thin and healthy! This is not to say that you shouldn’t encourage them to eat something and try new foods, but think in terms of bites not plates (e.g., “have two bites of meatball” instead of “eat your whole plate of spaghetti and meatballs”).

Also, keep in mind that young kids will catch on to the idea of eating what’s in front of them. They will hear messages about not wasting food and internalize them. They will listen to your happy praise when you say “Wow, you ate the whole thing.” And, soon, they will start eating the whole thing even if they are not hungry. So, make food less of a focus of conversation. Give them a small portion. Don’t talk about it. Give them another small portion (seconds) only if they ask.

The frontal lobe is the part of the brain responsible for problem-solving and planning and, incidentally, does not reach full maturity until we are in our early 20s. I am not a neuroscientist and I don’t know if a frontal lobe can fail. What I do know is that at a certain time each day (around 6:30 PM for my little ones), it looks as if a light switch flicks off in my kids’ brains. All rational thought is out the window. Sometimes, this presents itself as “the crazies”. Too much movement, too much talking, a little wild look in the eye. And most of the time, it shows up as ignoring all verbal requests, being unable to do skills that were previously mastered (like putting pajamas on), or at its worst, tantrums. Do you see this in your home? Here are some tips. First, make sure your kids get enough sleep. Toddlers and preschoolers need 12-14 hours a sleep a day. Most should still nap. When people say “My child doesn’t need sleep” or “My child doesn’t want to sleep,” they are cheating their kids. All kids need sleep. So, let them have it (for great books on sleep, see our Resources page)! Second, be mindful of the fact that little kids can’t tell time. If you see the failure of the frontal lobe setting in, draw the evening to a close as soon as possible, even if it means a slightly earlier than usual bedtime. And, finally, have appropriate expectations once failure of the frontal lobe sets in. This is not the time to head out for icecream, or start quizzing a preschooler on their barely-developed reading skills, or asking a child to clean up every last toy in the playroom. Keep verbal instructions very simple, don’t make too many demands, and most important of all, stick to that comfortable, over-learned routine.

Toddlers and preschoolers thrive on routine. They love the comfort of knowing what their day is going to be like. This most clearly applies to meal-times, naptimes and bedtime. But, routines can help with more mundane tasks of daily life too. Have your kids get dressed at the same time every day, in the same room in the house. When you are potty training, schedule potty visits into the day so that they are expected and not unwelcome interruptions. Read the same number of books every day night before bed. Kids are really smart. As soon as you introduce a bit of variation (like getting dressed in the den in front of the TV on some mornings, or reading five books instead of two some nights), you are setting yourself up for future struggles (“But last night, we read five books!”) and your are confusing your kid (“Wasn’t I a good enough girl today to get five books again?”). The sameness might seem dull to you, but eliminates countless struggles and endless confusion for your little ones.

This month, I wanted to share some thoughts with my fellow Calm Moms on food and nutrition. For any of you who know me well, you know that I am an “everything in moderation” type of gal. In graduate school, I studied human eating behavior and spent five years “digesting” ample research that tells us that having “forbidden foods” increases the likelihood of overeating these foods when they are available. In other words, if you love chocolate, you are better off eating a tiny square each day than never having any and then eating an entire pack of Oreos at one sitting. So, in my family, we eat a bit of everything, in small portions, and we make sure to live an active lifestyle. So far, this approach is working for all four of us.

However, like most moms, I am greatly concerned by the rising rate of childhood obesity. As a psychologist, I recognize that obese kids are often teased and socially excluded. These experiences are hard to outgrow, even if the weight is eventually shed. Children who are socially excluded and victimized by their peers tend to have difficulties with anxiety and depression when they grow up. And, as a cardiologist, my husband is well aware of the physical risks of obesity including high blood pressure, heart disease, and diabetes. So, we want to ensure that our kids maintain a healthy weight.

To this end, I recently read “The End of Overeating: Taking Control of the Insatiable American Appetite” by Dr. David Kessler. What a fascinating book. This book tells a very compelling, grim story. Basically, the story goes as follows: Modern society has invented foods that are sweeter, fattier and saltier than anything that exists in nature. The food industry has discovered that sweet, fat and salty layered together is a particularly compelling combo and therefore, spends millions of dollars developing foods that hit this “sweet spot”. These processed foods are actually addictive to the brain – yes, in the same way as drugs. The more we eat of them, the more we want. And, just to make matters worse, along with wanting more of this hyperpalatable food is the simple fact that in our society, it is very affordable and very easy to get. Hyperpalatability + ease of access = a national problem with obesity.

As I read the book, I kept returning in my mind to one of my favorite books ever written about food and eating – Michael Pollan’s “In Defense of Food: An Eater’s Manifesto”. Mr. Pollan’s book has a lovely head of lettuce on the cover and the elastic band around it reads “Eat Food. Not too Much. Mostly Plants.” Eat food. Well, duh, you might think before you read the book. But, what he points out in the book is that what we now consider food is actually highly processed chemicals masking as foods. He suggests eating foods that your great-grandmother would recognize if she came back to your dinner table. I love this message! It fits perfectly with Dr. Kessler’s message. Our brains are less likely to become addicted to foods that are less sweet, less salty, less fatty – in other words, as they occur in nature.