Fellow Calm Moms, you might have noticed the following pattern in your own home…

….A few weeks of blissful calm.  Your babies and/or children are behaving well!  Everything seems easy.  They are eating well, waking up in good moods, going to bed with ease.  They do as you ask, make you laugh and smile, and generally make you think, “I am the perfect mom.”

….And then, it all goes to pot.  For some mysterious reason, your little ones fall from the peak of the mountain to the trough of the valley.  They fall apart at the littlest upset.  Daily routines turn into struggles.  Bedtime is endless.  Behavior is barbaric.  And moms start to have the inevitable thought: “I am a terrible mom.  What am I doing wrong?”

Rest assured, this is all totally normal.  Child development is a process of equilibruim and dis-equilibrium.  Babies and children regularly go through phases where they seem to totally fall apart and, here’s the good news, come out of it a while later with a burst of maturity.

At TheCalmMom.com, we teach simple strategies to help moms deal with struggles like these.  Let’s consider two strategies here:

First, Be a Calm Thinker.  When you catch yourself saying, “I am the worst mom.  What the heck am I doing wrong?” try to re-frame those negative negative thoughts.  Consider this –

“This is all normal.  It is going to be hard for a few weeks, and then we’ll have a period of calm again.”

Also, resist the urge to puzzle out WHY the bad behavior is happening.  At times, the reason is obvious (e.g., maybe one parent has been working or out of town a lot or maybe the child has been going to bed too late) and can be resolved with simple behavioral changes.  But, so often, trying to figure it out is well, kind of a waste of mental energy.  Kids grow and change all the time and it is okay to accept that an inevitable part of growth and change is periods of not-so-good behavior. 

Second, Be your own behavior therapist.  Think about ways you can change things around for you and for your children to make everything go more smoothly.  During these troughs, it is probably NOT the time to change routine.  My sense is that babies and children go through these times when something is changing in their lives (a birthday, a transition to a new classroom, learning to walk or talk, etc.).  So, leave everything pretty much the same in your day-to day-routine.  But, consider these tips:

-Give the child who is having a difficulties some extra one-on-one time.  When one of our kids is behaving badly, our inclination is to RUN the other way!  Resist the urge.  Give your child at least ten minutes of child-directed play, with one parent who is dedicating all of their attention to the child (turn off that Blackberry or iPhone folks!).  For babies, it might mean an extra cuddle or story or a longer bathtime.  For toddlers and preschoolers, it might mean a fun game, a special art project, or an outing.  The important thing is that the child decides what the activity is and that the parent is completely attentive during that stretch of time.  Often, this little behavioral change can result in greatly improved behavior.

-Let the little things go: At times like these, it can seem like every move your child makes is naughty.  You can spend your whole day correcting them.  Put picture it from their point of view.  They already feel like they are falling apart (in a two, three, or four year old way!).  And then, on top of that, they are being told that everything they are doing is wrong.  SO, moms, leave it alone.  Don’t scream over spilled milk, or criticize a kooky looking outfit, or get cross if they fail to wash their hands after they pee.  Try to save any negative feedback for something really important, like feeding dog food to their new baby sibling. 

-Give yourself a break: It can be very taxing to be with a challenging child day in and day out.  A miserable mom can cause anxiety to a child, which can result in even more bad behavior.  So, recognize your own need for a time out.  Arrange a night out with girlfrinds, set up a date night with your husband, or just go for a long walk on the weekend by yourself.  After a little time away, you will feel calmer.  And remember, a calmer mom raises calmer kids!

HEY ALL CALM MOMS, please sign up for the CALM MOM BLOG!  Even if you are already “members” of TheCalmMom.com, this is a separate process.  Go to the “Subscribe to Blog” link on the right side of this page.  THANKS!