Archive for November, 2010

The Power of Sleep: Part II

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Yesterday, I shared with you a chart showing how much sleep your little ones SHOULD be getting.  Are yours getting enough?

Often, behavior problems can be attributed to too little sleep.  Here are some tips on getting your little ones some good, long zzzzz’s:

-Dial it back slowly: If your kids currently go to bed at 10, don’t lose hope….you can re-train their brains to go to bed at 8.  Just do it slowly.  Dial back bedtime by 15 minutes each night. 

-Have a solid bedtime routine: Read about sleep routines for babies (also here) and kids on The Calm Mom.com.   Set a simple routine, and stick to it religiously, EVERY NIGHT. 

-Allow each family member to have their own place to sleep, all night: We all have our own views on sleep and I am crystal clear on mine.  I believe that each family member deserves to have their own place to sleep, all night long.  When babies and kids sleep with their parents, they are denied the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on their own — a skill we all need every night for the rest of our lives.  I often work with kids who are 10 or 11 or 12 and still sleep with parents (and by that age, no one is happy about it).  Trust me, it is way easier to teach a child to sleep independently at 6 months old than at 12 years old!  Furthermore, when kids come into parents’ rooms during the night, parents are denied the opportunity to get a good night sleep which they need to be calm during the day and do well at their jobs.  It can take some work to get kids to sleep independently, but it is worth it in terms of sleep quality for every member of the family. 

-Watch caffeine intake: In little kids?  YES!  Some small kids drink soda, iced tea, hot chocolate and even sips of parents’ coffee drinks.  All of these affect sleep and should be avoided. 

Do you have a sleep challenge you would like me to address?  Leave your comments here!

Posted in Calm Babies, Calm Kids | 2 Comments »

The Power of Sleep

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Our family just returned from our first trip to Disney World.  As I had expected, it was magical.  The look on the kids’ faces when they met their favorite characters was priceless.  They loved the rides, the Castle, the Mickey shaped waffles for breakfast, the list could go on and on.

There was one problem with the trip, however — sleep deprivation!  On our first night, we stayed up really late.  First there was dinner with the Princesses, then a Christmas parade, and then their first ever fireworks.  Our kids who usually go to bed at 7:30 hit the hay after 10:00.  And, they never really recovered for the rest of the trip.  I have written before about failure of the frontal lobe – the problem on this trip was that it set in at about 10 AM each day instead of 6 PM.  For our 5-year old, this meant behavior approximating “Grumpy” from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  Our 3-year old was as clumsy as “Goofy.”  They were quite a sight!

This experience inspired me to post about sleep this week.  Today, I want to share a chart from my friend Jodi Mindell’s book, “Sleeping Through the Night” (see my Favorite Things  page for details).  Here, by age, is how much sleep little ones need each night:

2 months to 12 months – 14 to 15 hours

12 months to 3 years – 12 to 14 hours

3 years to 6 years – 11 to 13 hours

Are your kids getting enough? 

Tune in tomorrow for tips on how to make sure your little ones get enough sleep…including how to balance vacation fun with sleep needs!

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Inoculating Yourself Against Your Kids’ Bad Moods

Friday, November 5th, 2010

I am a huge fan of Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and the Happiness Project blog (the only blog I regularly read besides The Calm Mom!).  I encourage all of you to check out Gretchen’s fantastic words of wisdom!

This week, Gretchen wrote about how kids affect their parents’ mood.  She described a day when her 5 year old woke up on the wrong side of the bed and, in her words, “by the end of the day, all four of us were in very crabby moods.”  She goes on to post this question:

“How do I maintain my emotional self-sufficiency while also staying very engaged with the people around me? (Or, put another way, am I so shallow that a five-year-old’s whining can ruin my day?)”

Ah, Gretchen, I can relate!  I, too, live with a five year old and yes, her moods can color my day from our very first interaction in the morning.  So, the question got me thinking….and made me come up with some good tips for all of us to try:

-Think about biology: When kids wake up in a foul mood, sometimes it boils down to basic biology.  Did they get enough sleep?  Are they starving?  Have we started chatting to them before they have had a chance to even go pee (I am guilty of this one!)?  Could they be feeling under the weather?  I have found that on moody mornings, my daughter often has an extra bowl of cheerios and is like a changed person!  Be mindful of these factors, and adjust accordingly.  Everyone else might be putting their 5-year old to bed at 10 PM, but if your kid is a 7-o’clocker, stick to it religiously!

-Don’t get too involved: Some moms and dads spend a lot of time with their kids trying to figure out where the bad mood came from (otherwise known as talking about feelings).  Yes, I am psychologist, but I don’t think this is always a good idea.  For very young kids, they generally are not going to know.  They just feel grumpy.  The more attention you give to the grumpiness, the longer they will stay grumpy and the more often they will get grumpy.  Because, as we all know, kids love attention.  Instead….

-Try humor: For little kids, it can be fun to give this problem a name, like Mr. Grumpy.  “Gee, it seems like Mr. Grumpy has come for a visit today.  He is SUCH A PAIN!”  Then, ask your child, “What can we do to send him packing?”  Kids often have very good ideas about how to feel better.  On a weekend morning, for example, a child might choose to stay in bed a bit longer and look at some books.  This is not punishment…it is an opportunity to get into a better mood and enjoy the upcoming day.

-Change the Channel in the Brain: Little kids love this one.   Parents can say, “Ugh, it seems like your brain is stuck on the grumpy channel today.  Can we change the channel in your brain to a channel that is more fun?”  The general idea is to get busy with something else that propels kids out of their bad mood.  Good activities are: helping with household tasks, doing art, looking at books, playing with toys, watching a show, going outside to run around, etc. 

-Don’t let the bad mood determine the family’s behavior: When our kids wake up in bad moods, the inclination is to call off the plans!  “We were supposed to go to the zoo today, but I don’t want to go with a little grump-pot.”  Admit it, we’ve all said it!  Keeping with that same spirit of not paying too much attention to Mr. Grumpy, go on with your day.  When the whole family gets busy with a fun activity, your child will be more likely to be jarred out of a bad mood. 

-If all else fails, change the channel in your own brain:  We have all had those days when NOTHING works….I know, I’ve been there.  As a parent, it is then our job to change the channel in our own brains.  We can choose to stay focused on the little drama queen or king residing in our house, or get busy with something else.  Remember that doing nothing for the grumpy child is OKAY…sometimes there is nothing to do.  Modeling calmness yourself, by grabbing a book to read or going to do some baking or heading out for a run, shows a good example to your kids.

Let me know what you do when your kids are in a grumpy mood!  Post your comments here!

Sign up for The Calm Mom blog!  Click on “subscribe to blog” on the right side of the blog page.  There are many ways to receive the blog.  If you want to receive it by email, click on the tab that says “email” and then immediately on the tab that says “feedblitz”.  This will take you to a page to enter your email address.

My book, Becoming a Calm Mom, is now available at Target.com.  If you read the book and loved it, please write a review.  Or, if you are ordering a baby gift from Target for a friend, please add in a copy!

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In Her Shoes: Learn to See Kid Behavior From Kids’ Point of View

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I am setting myself a resolution for November and hope you, my fellow Calm Moms, will join me.

I am going to work harder on understanding my kids’ behavior from their point of view, rather than from my own grown-up point of view (for moms of babies, check out a previous post on understanding baby behavior from baby’s point of view).

Here’s an example.  On Halloween, we attended a party with 30+ children, all five years old and younger.  As we set out for trick or treating (in a pack of these aforementioned 30 children), I noticed a lot of pushing and shoving and rudeness from my five year old daughter.  Several times, I pulled her aside and asked her to be more respectful of her friends.  “Please,” I said, “Stop pushing, shoving and snarling at your friends.  It’s not nice.”  Needless to say, I got some snarls in return!

The next morning, I was telling my very wise mom about the evening.  She said, “That sounds like the most ridiculous plan….who would attempt to trick or treat for 30 small children?”  I took a step back and thought it over.  It was certainly fun for all of us moms and dads.  But, for the kids?  They worried about whether there would be enough candy, they wanted to be the “line leader”, they were tired and felt irritated by the intrusion in their personal space as all the friends gathered on tiny front porches.

What did I expect???  Perhaps it would have been MORE concerning if my daughter had hung back, not caring about the same things (getting candy, being first, having space) as all the other kids. 

In other words, she behaved like a normal 5 year old, given the demands of the situation.

My problem (I am being honest here!) is that I forget to consider my kids’ point of view when we are in difficult situations.  I just get frustrated if they are not behaving like the little angels they are most of the time!

So, here is my plan.  When I feel myself getting frustrated, I am going to cue an image of a “SHOE” in my head.  This is going to remind me — stand in their shoes, consider what THEY are thinking and feeling right now, and….react accordingly.

I will fill you in on how my plan is going.  And please, leave your tips on how you handle challenging situations with your little ones.

Sign up for The Calm Mom blog!  Click on “subscribe to blog” on the right side of the blog page.  There are many ways to receive the blog.  If you want to receive it by email, click on the tab that says “email” and then immediately on the tab that says “feedblitz”.  This will take you to a page to enter your email address.

My book, Becoming a Calm Mom, is now available at Target.com.  If you read the book and loved it, please write a review.  Or, if you are ordering a baby gift from Target for a friend, please add in a copy!

Posted in Calm Kids, Calm Moms | No Comments »