Archive for January, 2011

Caring For Your Child’s Skin During the Winter Months

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Are you having a brutal winter where you live?  We sure are here in Philadelphia.  Even as a native Canadian, I have to say that this is the roughest winter I can remember in a long time!  With this cold weather, day in and day out, comes the challenge of caring for the delicate skin of the little ones in our house.  So, I turned to Dr. Kara Shah for some advice that I could use and share with you, my fellow Calm Moms!

Dr. Shah is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics and Dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and Attending Physician, Pediatric Dermatology, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.  Here are her responses to the questions I sent her.

1.How often should kids bathe during the winter?

KS: Most infants in general, regardless of the season, only need a full bath 1-3 times per week; on other days, parents can target washing to areas such as the face, hands, and diaper area. Toddlers and older children also usually do just fine bathing 2-3 times per week. In any season, but particularly in the winter when the air is cold and dry, attention should be paid to limit the time in the bath or shower (ideally 5-10 minutes or less), to use a gentle non-soap cleanser (examples include Dove Sensitive skin, and Cetaphil), and to moisturize after every bath or shower and ideally 1-2 times per day, more if the skin is particualrly dry. Frequent use of emollients helps to counteract the drying and irritating effects of cold, dry air.

2. Should parents be using lotion on their kids? If so, what should parents look for in a lotion?

KS: I think every child should have an emollient applied at least once daily, including after bathing. Children with eczema or sensitive skin benefit from more frequent applications of an emollient. I generally avoid lotions (generally come in a pump bottle) as these usually have alcohols in them, which can be drying and irritating. I prefer cream-based emollients (examples include Cerave, Cetaphil, Eucerin and Aveeno). Some children with very dry skin or eczema may be better with an ointment such as Aquaphor or Vaseline petrolatum ointment. I avoid products that have fragrance or lots of botanical derivatives added (these can be irritating to sensitive skin and can even cause skin allergies) and those products with a long list of ingredients (less is more !)

3. How about lip balm?

KS: Lip balm in great for cold weather or for kids who lick there lips a lot. Plain old Vaseline/petrolatum works just as well, though ! The one benefit that some lip balms do have is sunscreen, which is important to use during the summer.

4. A lot of kids can’t or won’t keep gloves in during the winter. How should parents handle that? Is it dangerous for kids to be outside in these cold temperatures without mittens or gloves?

KS: When the temperature is below freezing, in particular if there is a significant windchill effect, mittens or gloves should be considered mandatory . Frostbite or frostnip (milder cold-induced skin damage that causes only temporary effects) can and do occur in children, who may not recognize the early signs such as itching and numbness. Parents should start placing mittens on their children’s hands when they are infants to get them accustomed to wearing them. No mittens, no playing in the snow!

5. Should parents be worried at all about the harmful effects of the sun during the winter months? Personally, I wear a light moisturizer all year round, every day, with SPF but it never dawns on me to put sunscreen on the kids when it is 10 degrees outside. Should we be doing so? Or, is the exposure to sunlight good for them (Vitamin D etc.)

KS: Even during the winter, children can develop a sunburn if outside on a sunny day for an extended period of time; the sun is reflected off of the snow and ice. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children wear sunscreen on exposed skin when outside during the winter for extended periods of time. My kids aren’t snow birds and are rarely outside for more than 15-20 minutes; therefore I don’t use a lot of sunscreen during the winter! If you take a snow and ski vacation with your children, however, and they are outside a lot, sunscreen is recommended. Both the American Academy of Dermatology and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children receive the recommended daily intake of vitamin D through diet and supplementation as opposed to sun exposure.

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A Great Resource for New Parents

Saturday, January 22nd, 2011

One of the fun things about doing the Calm Mom blog is connecting with other like-minded folks out there who are really interested in helping new moms (and dads).  After this week’s post on sibling rivalry, I was contacted by Jason Rago, an educator who designs “Big Sibling Gift Boxes”.  They are so cool!  They include books about being a big sister/brother and also tons of craft supplies to keep kids busy when their moms and dads are busy with the new addition.

Check out Jason’s website:

www.BoxedForFun.com

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Managing Sibling Rivalry among Young Children

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Ever since a friend wrote to me about a month ago asking me to write about sibling rivalry, I have been giving the topic a great deal of thought.  Let’s just start with the assumption that some sibling rivalry is 100% normal — all kids fight over toys, compete for parental attention, and sometimes start pummeling each other for no reason whatsoever.  I vividly recall a marker fight with my older sister that resulted in one of us sustaining a broken blood vessel in the arm (love how I can’t remember if it was her arm or mine) and our markers being confiscated for weeks.  Ah, the horrors of returning to crayons!

With that assumption set forth, parents still wonder what they should do when they hear arguing, screaming, and punching between little people who are supposed to be deeply in love.  Here are some thoughts:

-Set a good example: We have talked about this before at The Calm Mom.  Every time we open our mouths, our kids listen (I know it doesn’t seem this way when we are telling them to put their coats on or go to the potty, but they do!).  Our own styles of communication set a template for how our kids communicate to other kids (including siblings) and to us, their parents.  In the past month, when I have been thinking about this topic, I have been alarmed to hear many of my own phrases and intonations in the way my five-year old communicates with her little brother.  It isn’t pretty.  But, full disclosure, it is the way I talk to them when I am annoyed or need them to do something *pronto*.  I need to work on my own communication if I want them to speak more kindly to one another.  Watch out for this in the way you communicate to your spouse.  If you are bossy, demanding, or disrespectful, expect to hear the same style in the way your kids talk to one another.

-Set a no tolerance policy on the few things you deem important: You can’t expect angelic kids 24/7 and  you can’t be instructing your kids on how to behave every minute of the day in the hopes of getting them.  Decide what is absolutely NOT acceptable in your house (in ours, it is physical aggression).  If the children break those cardinal rules, there must be an immediate consequence, ideally something tied to the event that incited the rivalry.  For example, if one child bit the other child during a fight over a favorite toy, that toy should be taken away for a period of time…no exception, no early exemptions!  Also, once everything simmers down, the offending child should apologize to the other child….not a flippant “sorry” but a “Sorry for biting you when you touched my new Rapunzel doll.”

Another great thing to do post-crisis is to role play what the children might do differently if the same situation arose again.  Give each child one minute to tell you (with no interruptions from the other child) what happened.  Then, present a few possible solutions for next time.  And, have the kids practice them.  For example, if the child was trying to play with her new Rapunzel doll and was constantly being interrupted by her younger sibling, she could have sought help from mom to get the little guy busy with something else.  Or, she could have taken Rapunzel to her room and shut the door.  Or, she could have thought up a game for both kids to play together that involved Rapunzel.  This kind of parental intervention takes some time and thought and effort, but does tend to transfer into good results when a similar situation arises again.

-Don’t overparent: For all other quibbling (beyond those issues you deem absolutely unacceptable), let the kids be. Do not swoop in every time you hear them arguing over a toy, or debating which episode of Wonder Pets to watch, or fighting about who gets the yellow swing and who gets the blue swing.  Let them work it out.  Why?  Well….

-Managing on their own is a valuable lesson: Life is full of negotiations, many of which you will not be present for.  If you swoop in every time to solve a problem, your kids won’t know how to solve problems with peers.  Your child will be the one who always tattle tales and always whines to the teacher, and we know that kids like that don’t do terribly well socially.  I actually like listening from another room….even at 3 and 5, kids can do okay with making a plan together — “Let’s watch the Owl Wonder Pets first for you and then the Pig one for me.”  When you hear one of these moments of beauty, swoop in, and REINFORCE.  Tell the kids how proud you are of them — even throw in an extra episode of the Wonder Pets as a reward!

-Sibling rivalry doesn’t end in trips to emergency rooms: A few years ago, I went to a lecture on raising boys.  The speaker was endorsing this hands-off notion.  He pointed out that playdates do not end in trips to the emergency room.  Think about it.  Do you know of any sibling squabbles that ended in trips to the emergency room?  I don’t.  Ask yourself what you are afraid of when your kids fight.  Try re-framing the whole “problem” of sibling rivalry into a valuable learning experience — how to solve social problems in the safety and comfort of one’s own home.

As a P.S., Today’s blog post fits perfectly with this super quote in an editorial by David Brooks (Amy Chua Is a Wimp) in today’s New York Times….

“Practicing a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls. Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.”

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Managing Sibling Rivalry: Getting a Good Start When A New Baby Arrives

Friday, January 14th, 2011

I have had requests lately to write about sibling rivalry among preschool/kindergarten-age kids.  I decided that I will first dial it back a bit and write about setting up a good sibling relationship right from the start — when a new baby arrives on the scene.  Next week, I will cover issues of sibling rivalry that come up later in childhood.

New babies seem incredibly helpless and needy.  And yes, it is true, they are.  But, psychologically, they are probably less vulnerable than a two year old or four year old or six year old who is getting a new sibling.  And this is why I suggest making the arrival of a new baby all about the big sibling.

In the first couple of months, new babies need to be fed, changed, loved, and they need to get plenty of rest and bits of stimulation.  This is easy in comparison to the psychological needs of an older child who is seeing a steady stream of visitors coming to ooh and aah over this little lump, and bring him presents to boot!  Not to mention sharing mom and dad’s attention and energy with a little person who you did NOT invite into your home.  Consider these tips:

-Let the big sibling be possessive of the new baby: When people come over to visit, allow your big kid to introduce baby, “This is my new baby brother.”  Encourage your older child to share interesting news and details about the baby.  And, when it is your turn to speak, rave about what an amazing big sister/brother your big kid is.  Even if it is not true at first, the more they hear it, the more they will become it!

-Give your big kid age-appopriate jobs: If you haven’t yet noticed, kids LOVE to help out around the house.  Enjoy it now, because it isn’t going to last!  Even very young children can take an active role caring for baby siblings.  They can bring a clean diaper over for diaper changes, press the button on a bouncy seat, sing songs to a baby, and so on.  We can’t quite remember what our little guy’s favorite toy was as a baby…I think because his favorite toy was actually his big sister!

-At first, make the needs of your big kid the priority: This seems wonky, I know (getting back to the whole babies are helpless thing).  But, give this a bit of thought.  With our first babies, we changed diapers the minute the child so much as made a drop of pee.  We fed them the instant they cried.  We ran in at night after one little gurgle or moan.  How many times have YOU heard people say that their first born child has a more difficult or demanding temperament?  Could it because they are accustomed to having their every need met the moment that need strikes?  Consider the second, or third or fourth born.  Often, they need to wait.  They might sit in a slightly wet diaper or wait to eat for ten minutes instead of one minute (we are not talking about hours here guys, we are talking a difference in minutes!).  But, being made to wait might make our later born kids more patient and more able to soothe themselves.  And, by focusing on our big kids after a new baby arrives, we ensure that they do not feel neglected or relegated to second class.  I am not suggesting this goes on forever — just those first few months when your first-born is getting used to having a baby around and your second-born is not terribly aware yet of family dynamics!

-Set fear aside: Often, when a new baby arrives, parents are very concerned about the big siblings spreading germs to the little ones or harming them in some way (they always seem to go for the eyes…why is that?)  Try to set fear aside.  Voicing these concerns is going to interfere in the bonding process.  With respect to germs, learn to accept that babies will get illnesses from their older siblings especially if they are in daycare or school.  They will also get illnesses that parents bring home from work or from going to the grocery store or from really just breathing.  Make sure all family member’s immunizations are up to date and get on with your life!  As for harm, you don’t often hear about big siblings doing grievous harm to their younger siblings.  Make sure to prevent accidents — for example, don’t leave babies in their carseats up on tables or leave loose blankets around baby’s faces.  Beyond that, simply be sure to tell big kids what they CAN do.  If they are touching the baby’s face say, “He really loves when you hold his hand or tickle his toes.”

Do you have any tips on integrating a new baby into your family?  Post them here!

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Nurturing Your Relationship in 2011

Thursday, January 6th, 2011

In this Sunday’s New York Times, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about some new research on marriage which I found fascinating.  The research has been done by Dr. Arthur Aron at Stony Brook, who was also a guest yesterday on Radio Times on NPR.  Dr. Aron’s research suggests that people feel committed and satisfied in their relationships when they experience self-expansion from one another.  What is self-expansion?  Although it has been a while since my last social psychology course in grad school, here is my best shot at explaining the concept.  Self-expansion occurs when we feel that another person has helped us grow.  This might happen when our partner exposes us to a new experience, teaches us about a new concept, or introduces us to new people.  When another person contributes to our self-expansion, they become pretty important in our lives.  People like to feel as if they are continually growing and developing, so when someone plays this role in our lives, we are more likely to want to keep them around.

How does the concept of self-expansion apply to new parents?

On the one hand, having a child is amazingly self-expanding, and sharing this experience as a couple can certainly strengthen bonds.  Within days, most of us go from knowing nothing about babies to knowing how to change diapers, feed, and (sometimes!) comfort a baby.

Yet, things can quickly become stagnant in a marriage after having a baby.  Days and nights become a blur of soothing, feeding, changing, and of course, earning a living.  When is there time for self-expansion??

This research tells us that we must make the time.  After all, the greatest gift we can give our kids is a strong and committed set of parents!  Here are some tips on how to accomplish this goal….

-Talk about your days: Once you become parents, all talk does NOT need to revolve around baby.  Ask each other about your days.  Talk about that interesting report you heard on NPR.  Share the office gossip.  Teach each other new things.  On one of our first dates, my husband brought an angiogram, an X-ray image showing how he unblocks arteries in his job as an interventional cardiologist.  Sounds funny, but I loved it, and over the past eight years, I have learned a ton about cardiology and he has learned a ton about the treatment of anxiety disorders.  Might not be dinner conversation for everyone, but we still find it intellectually challenging, fun, and relationship-enhancing to discuss our work.

-Go on dates: I have written about the importance of date nights before.  Now I have research to back up how important date nights are!  This research suggests that date nights should involve something self-enhancing!  Try something new together whether it be a new kind of food, a thought-provoking movie, or a new experience.  Dr. Aron said on the radio yesterday (I am paraphrasing here!), “If you usually go to the opera together, go to a horserace; if you usually go to the races, try the opera.”

-Be Strong Within Yourself: Dr. Aron explained in his radio interview that what we bring to our marriages is a strong predictor of marital success — how self-confident we are, how mentally healthy we are, how much social support we have, etc.  Once we become parents, many women feel lost.  They pour themselves into their babies/their new role of “mom” and they lose the “me” part.  Nurturing the “me” part is totally acceptable and actually, important for being a good mom and having a strong marriage.  If you used to love to cook, get cooking.  If you have always wanted to learn to play the piano, find some time to learn.  If travel is your thing, expose your kids to travel and help them to see how super it is too.  Nurturing these parts of yourself, and then sharing them with your spouse, will serve to keep the spark and excitement in your marriage!

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