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Calm Mommies:

We asked fellow new moms about their experiences with childcare providers. One respondent echoed my own thoughts: “I just find it very strange that I employ someone and have to tell her what I want done.” For many new moms, childcare providers are the first people we have “employed”. It can be very difficult to tell someone how to care for our babies, particularly when that person might actually have years more experience with babies than we do!

In general, our respondents had very good experiences with their childcare providers. None reported that they had to fire a childcare provider or make other changes in plans because they were unable to resolve a problem. The problems that new moms mentioned ranged from cleanliness (“They don't clean his bum as well as I would”), to discipline and routine (“We ask them not to hold her at naptime, but they do”; “They don’t keep him on the nap schedule we would like”), to feeding (“Introducing foods too early;” “They give him foods that I don’t send for him.”).

Consider these tips for resolving issues with childcare providers (many provided by your fellow Calm Mommies!) and take note – most involve using excellent communication skills:

	No one is a mind-reader: As bright and experienced as your childcare provider is, no one can read your mind. So, directness is key. Following a nice, direct conversation, it can also be useful to write things down for your childcare provider. A barrage of instructions given at 7 AM is going to be hard for anyone to follow.
	Always begin with the positive: No one likes to be criticized. When you are asking someone to change their behavior, it is often good to start with praise:

“I really appreciate all the love you give to Billy. I know he’s in really good hands when I am at work.”

Then, move on to the problem:

“You wrote on his sheet yesterday that you gave him some blueberries. I only want him to eat food I send from home.”

End on a positive note, always taking into account your feelings and needs AND the other person’s feelings and needs:

“I really value your suggestions though. If there is a food you think I should introduce at home, please let me know.”

If this style of communication doesn’t come naturally to you, keep in mind what one of our Calm Mommies wrote: “It's important to be delicate because the last thing you want is your childcare provider to spite you.” While we hate to admit it, if your only communication with your childcare provider is critical, it is possible your child won’t be treated with love and warmth (unless you are lucky enough to have a nanny like the one in the super book, The Nanny Diaries!

	Accept that no one is going to be as perfect as you: Of course, we want our childcare providers to be as perfect and wonderful as we are! However, this expectation is unrealistic and will leave new moms feeling constantly disappointed. One mom summarized this issue perfectly: “I have to realize that no one is going to do things the same way as I would... and this may not necessarily be a bad thing! So I can either stay at home and have it done ‘my way’, or I can trust someone else and know that they will have their own style.” A little secret? Sometimes, when you give up the need to have everything done your way, you learn a new way that is even better!
	Ultimately, you’re the boss: Have you politely asked your childcare provider to change their behavior several times with no results? For example, do you come home every day to find your little one and the nanny watching Baby Einstein when you have asked that the TV stay off during the day? Well, ultimately, you are the boss of your child. One mom wrote, “It’s your child and you rule – no one else does! If your childcare provider does not respond well to you, then you probably don't want them working for you and keeping your little one anyway.”
	Nothing is permanent: As we so often mention at the Calm Mom.com, new moms seem to hate going back on a decision. What happens if the childcare arrangement you loved during your baby’s first year no longer seems right in your baby’s second year? New moms are often inclined to stick with decisions because they don’t want to be perceived by others as having “made a mistake” or might not even want to admit to themselves that a choice was “wrong.” The biggest problem with beliefs like these is that they breed complacency. No decision is permanent – although it might be harder to find a new nanny or select a new daycare than to stick with the status quo, trusting your gut is usually well worth it.