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Calm Mom Tips
Caring For Husbands and Friends

As you develop a wonderful relationship with your new baby, all of the other relationships in your life will go through some sort of evolution. Your friendships will change. Your marriage will face all sorts of triumphs and challenges. And, you might find that you need some new people in your life – namely, other people going through what you are going through. Some of the Calm Mom tips are:

	Make friends with other new moms.
	Don’t forget your old friendships.
	Learn good communication skills.
	Nurture you marriage.

Many women work before having children. They are used to spending their days in the company of other people, discussing work and day-to-day things. Without the responsibility of children, women often spend their spare time in the company of others. All of a sudden, the baby is born and you are home with…well, a little person who can’t talk. Putting aside that having a new baby can be stressful, being home with him can make you feel lonely….or sometimes even bored!

One Calm Mom tip is to remember that babies love the sounds of their mommy’s voices. Chat with the baby, even if he can’t chat back. Tell him about your friend’s new boyfriend, or about how you and Daddy met. He’ll enjoy hearing you, and you might feel less lonely too.

However, companionship with other adults who can say more than “goo” is an essential part of being a Calm Mom.

So, get out there are make friends with some other new moms!

While making new friends takes effort, it is worth it. Trust me! Chat with other new moms in the grocery store. Go outside to meet a new mom who you have seen walking her baby down your street. Purposefully go where other new moms go, like breast-feeding support groups, mom-baby exercise classes, and baby storytime at your local library. Even if you are shy by nature, try to approach people. Once in a while, the person you approach might think you are weird and rush off as quickly as possible. But, most of the time, other new moms are in the same boat as you and would love to make friends with another new mom.

And, when you make these new friendships, be open and honest. Many new moms worry that if they are open about the “not so rosy” parts of being a new mom, people will think that they are “bad” moms. Being open does not mean being Eeyore, talking only about the hard stuff. It means sharing the great times, like the first time your baby smiles at you (oh, is that a great day!!!!) and the hard stuff. The great thing about sharing is that it allows not only for sharing of experience, but also for sharing of advice. If you mention that your baby won’t take a bottle, your new friend might say, “Oh! Mine wouldn’t either until I tried Brand X. He took to it right away.” These tidbits of advice often help new moms be calmer moms!

When a new baby arrives, it can be hard to maintain connections with your old friends, particularly those who do not yet have kids or those who have kids older than yours. New moms tend to focus completely on their babies. This can be dull for friends who are not sharing your experiences. While your friends will love to come over and see the baby, they will feel neglected if that is all that you are ever able to do with them. Be sure to nurture your friendships. Ask about your friends’ work, relationships, and travel plans. And, while it is totally fine to ask friends to come over and spend time with you and the baby, try to arrange some time to spend just with them. Even if it takes some planning, and even if it is torture to pull yourself away from the little one for a few hours, it will probably surprise you how much you end up enjoying the break! Once you get home, you will surely be a Calmer Mom!

There is perhaps no time in your life when communication skills are as important as when you have your first baby. You and your spouse will need to discuss new roles and responsibilities. You and your boss will need to plan your return to work and changes you might need to put in place in order to balance work and home. And, most new moms are familiar with tricky discussions with parents, in-laws and other family members who might be a tad bit too opinionated and tad bit too disrespectful of the boundaries your new family needs.

Communication skills are best discussed with an example. We all have heard about moms or mother-in-laws who pop by any time, without calling first, to see their Princess Grandbaby. After a few times of being caught with spit-up all over your shirt, poop up the back of your baby’s sleeper, unwashed hair, and dirty dishes in the sick, you’ve had enough. Well, here are two communication styles to avoid when trying to solve this problem:

Don’t communicate passively. Example: “Don’t worry Mom. You just drop by anytime you want to see the baby. I don’t mind”. With passive communication, your mom will feel happy and get what she needs (visits with her precious one), but your own needs will be thrown out with the dirty diapers!

Don’t communicate aggressively. Example: “Get the heck out of my house. I can’t stand you coming by like this unannounced!” With aggressive communication, you will get your way, but your mom will feel attacked and resentful.

So, how should a Calm Mom communicate?

Always consider the other person’s feelings and needs while you are voicing your own feelings and needs. When the other person hears that you are taking their needs into account, you will likely succeed in getting your own needs met. Example: “Mom, thank you for coming to see the baby. I know you enjoy it and so does she. However, it would be really great if you could call first. That way, I can get everything ready so we can all enjoy the visit more.”

Babies are not the only ones that need constant attention and nurturing. Marriages do too. When baby arrives, don’t forget about your spouse. For people who are in a committed relationship, it is important to remember that you had a baby with your spouse. Presumably, you decided to have a baby because you were in love. When new baby arrives, it can be very easy to forget about your spouse. After all, he does not wear diapers or need to eat in the middle of the night (hopefully). And, he doesn’t have cute chubby little legs that you can squeeze or little pillowy cheeks for you to kiss.

Regardless of how delicious and demanding your new little one is, don’t forget your spouse. Ask about his day at work. Sit down to eat a meal with him (even if it is store-bought and you are nursing the baby while eating). Give him a kiss goodnight (even if it is at 3 AM). And, tell him about your day too. While new moms often worry that their days sound a bit dull, dads are often very interested to hear about all the dirty diapers, outings to the park, and cute new baby tricks. Stay involved with each other.

Here are some Calm Mom tips for nurturing your marriage once baby arrives:

Schedule time to chat. It is hard enough to chat about the basics at the end of the day, let alone the important stuff. With the chaos of having a new baby in the house, it is essential that you schedule time to chat about the big stuff – like decisions about child-care and how to best share baby-care and household responsibilities. Pick an evening where both of you are committed to turning off the phones, computers, TVs, etc. and just chat when the baby is asleep. If this seems impossible, schedule a night out when a babysitter or family member can come over to look after the little one. Important conversations need 100% focus, and the time away from other things (including the baby) is time well spent.

Speak to each other with respect. When people are exhausted and stressed out, they can get snappy and irritable with one another. This is a terrible way to communicate. It sounds kind of silly, but every time you talk in front of your baby, he is learning how to relate to others. If you constantly snap at your spouse, and he constantly snaps back at you, this will serve as a model for how your baby will behave in relationships for the rest of her life (including how he will talk to his Mom!). Sounds like an exaggeration, but it’s not. Keep this in mind when you talk to your baby, and when you talk to your spouse in front of your baby. Model good listening skills, patience, and respect.

Don’t play the expert role. In our society, moms provide most of the day-to-day care of babies. This means that even after a few weeks, moms will have changed many more diapers and given many more bottles and baths than dads. Even the most involved dad will come home from work, eager to change a diaper, only to have his wife hovering, correcting his diapering technique. Before moms know it, dads have stopped helping completely. And who can blame them? Moms – you’ve got to give up the expert “thing”. Take a step back and ask yourself if the difference in diapering techniques even matters. If it doesn’t, let dad do his thing and enjoy his little one (while you get a break). If it does matter, consider how to communicate this to your spouse. For example, say, “The first few weeks of Junior’s life, his diapers were leaking all over the place! What a mess. Let me show you what I figured out to keep all the poop where it should be!” This is very different from, “Maybe you could put the diaper on straight this time. Last night, the poor kid was covered head to toe in poop when you changed him.” Would you want to change another diaper after that critique? I think not!