Kids these days have more amusements than ever – video games, computers, cell phones, etc. Shockingly, many kids complain constantly about being bored. Babies can also grow bored when they are given toys that only do one thing – like electronic toys that make noise if you press a button. Once you see that trick a bunch of times, there isn’t much amusement to be found. So, resist the urge to buy more of the same and instead, invest in baby toys that can be played with in many different ways. Examples include blocks, stacking toys, and little figures (like Little People). These toys encourage creativity and independence and will be boredom-proof for years. The Little People that are fun for a ten month old to put in and take out of a box will be used for imaginative play when that same little guy is three.

YES, you should be playing with your baby, on his level, a lot. But, not every minute! It is okay to shower, make dinner, or call a friend. Set your baby up with some toys and let him do his own thing. If you feel guilty, fast forward to the future. Picture a 10 year old who is constantly whining, “I’m bored, Mom” and you’ll see the advantage of helping your baby develop independence, creativity and resourcefulness.

Yes moms, this might mean that your baby cries a bit before falling asleep. Some people see this as cruel. I see this as providing your baby with an essential life tool – learning to soothe himself to sleep. He will use this tool every day for the rest of his life. If you let him learn this skill when he is 6 months old, you won’t still be lying next to him until he falls asleep when he is 12 years old.

When your baby squawks, goos or cries, you do not need to respond that very instant. Take a deep breath, and do your own thing for a few minutes (we’re not talking hours here mom, we’re talking five minutes, tops!). Every time a baby utters a little sound or even cries, it does not mean he is upset or needs anything. He might be chattering, blowing off steam, or amusing himself. Let him be for a few minutes. If he is in fact upset about something, those few minutes will allow him to develop skills for soothing himself like sucking his fingers, putting in his own pacifier, or reaching for a blankie or stuffed friend. The important thing to remember is that you are still going to respond to your baby – just in a few minutes instead of immediately. This will mean that your baby will learn he can trust you (setting a template for how he relates to others for years to come), but it will also mean that he will learn to trust himself.

Did you know that it is never too early to start raising an emotionally competent kid (who then grows into an emotionally competent teen and adult)?  In my opinion, one of our major tasks as new parents is to help our little ones learn how to handle feeling upset.

I decided to write about this topic for two reasons. First, as a new mom myself, I often find myself jumping to attention the second either of my kids needs anything. And second, as a psychologist, I have noticed that many of my young patients (kids ages 7 and above) have a great deal of difficulty handling any upset, disappointment, distress or discomfort. I started to wonder how these two observations fit together.

Is it possible that by being over-responsive to our babies needs, we are raising kids who can’t soothe themselves?

New moms have all sorts of beliefs about what their babies needs and how their responses to these needs reflect on their skills and abilities. Do you recognize any of these thoughts?

-If I don’t soothe him right away, I’m a terrible mom.

-If I don’t play with him all the time, he’ll be lonely.

-If I let him “cry it out”, he’ll be scarred for life.

-If I don’t make sure he is constantly amused, he won’t be learning as much as other kids.

The problem with thoughts like these is that they cause new moms to run around in a panic, behaving as if the house is burning down instead of the baby simply needing a bottle! Furthermore, they cause new moms to neglect themselves. If the baby needs to eat when mom is about to step into the shower, mom turns off the water to go and feed her. If the baby looks like he needs amusing right when mom is about to take five minutes to read the front page of the newspaper, mom puts the paper down. If the baby needs to be rocked to fall asleep every time he rouses in the middle of the night, mom neglects her own need for sleep.

And, perhaps most importantly, we deny our babies the opportunity to learn to soothe themselves, to learn to play independently, to learn to get to sleep on their own. My hunch is that those babies grow up to be 10-year olds with exactly the same problems.
The Calm Mom is by no means suggesting we don’t pay attention to our babies. What I am suggesting is that you give them a chance to draw from their own resources.

The moral of the story: While we want our children to learn that we are always there for them, we also want them to learn that they can rely on themselves.

Want to learn how to raise emotionally competent kids?  Read my Calm Mom Tips on this topic.

At the Calm Mom.com, our goal is to help readers calm their anxiety about the day-to-day realities of being a new mom. This fall, however, we face a new twist on the day-to-day worries – the H1N1 flu (often referred to as “swine flu”). It’s hard to ignore – it’s all over the media and people are talking about it everywhere we go. The problem is that information is wildly inconsistent and it is these inconsistencies that can so easily stir up anxiety.

This month, at the Calm Mom.com, we have two voices to help calm your fears about this timely issue. First, I will share some thoughts from a psychologist’s perspective on how to calm all those worries swirling around your head. Then, we are so lucky to have a pediatrician and fellow new mom respond to your concerns from a medical perspective. Read on, and please forward this article to friends who would find it helpful.

A Psychologist’s Perspective:

When we first started to hear about H1N1 back in the Spring, I’ll admit, I was anxious. No one likes to think about their little ones getting terribly ill. Yet, I quickly started to work my way out of my anxiety in much the same way I would with any patient who has health-related anxiety. My two-step Calm Thinking Strategy has worked for me, and for many of the moms with whom I work:

Step One: Acceptance – Many of us, and many of our children are going to get the H1N1 flu.

Step Two: De-catastrophize – But, for the overwhelming majority of us, it is going to be okay!

Sounds simple, huh? But, it works. Anxiety gets the better of us when we try too hard to prevent bad things from happening. Yes, there are reasonable steps we can take to reduce our risk (see below), but there is no way to prevent illness altogether. When we spend our days going to vast effort to prevent illness (i.e., constantly washing our hands, obsessively checking in with people about their health before getting together with them, avoiding most activities previously enjoyed by ourselves or our kids), our anxiety paradoxically gets worse. Similarly, if we try to push thoughts of flu out of our heads (“Don’t think about it! It’s too stressful”), we end up thinking about it with greater frequency and intensity. Instead, when we accept a fear (“Hmmm….we might get the flu”), and more or less go about our lives normally, our fear actually tends to lessen. It really does. Try it, and you’ll see.

You then need to go one step further. Once you accept that you and your family might get the flu, you need to focus on the facts and ignore the fiction. Although the flu sounds awful, and although you will hear (primarily in the media) about truly dreadful things happening to people who have it, the truth is that for the vast majority of people, it isn’t that bad. People feel ill for a few days and then they are back on their feet.

So, once you accept that you might get the flu, remind yourself that you will be able to manage and that you will be okay.

At the Calm Mom.com, our goal is to help readers calm their anxiety about the day-to-day realities of being a new mom. This fall, however, we face a new twist on the day-to-day worries – the H1N1 flu (often referred to as “swine flu”). It’s hard to ignore – it’s all over the media and people are talking about it everywhere we go. The problem is that information is wildly inconsistent and it is these inconsistencies that can so easily stir up anxiety.

We are so lucky this month to be able to address these inconsistencies with the help of Robyn Cohen, MD, MPH (and mother of two little ones!). Dr. Cohen is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics at Drexel University College of Medicine and an Attending Physician, Section of Pulmonology at St. Christopher’s Hospital for Children in Philadelphia, PA.

Dr. Cohen so kindly answered some common medical questions about H1N1:

1. What can moms of toddlers and preschoolers reasonably do to help their kids stay well this fall and winter?

   One of the most important things moms can do is to get both the seasonal and H1N1 flu vaccines for their children. In fact, the CDC has determined that children between 6 months and 4 years of age are a top priority for the H1N1 vaccine. There are lots of rumors floating around about the H1N1 vaccine being “new” and “untested.” The facts are that the H1N1 vaccine is made and produced the same way as the seasonal flu vaccine; the only difference between the two is that the H1N1 vaccine targets the current H1N1 strain.

   A second important thing to remember is the importance of frequent hand washing. If your child is in daycare, preschool, music class, or any other setting in which they are in close, indoor contact with lots of other young children, try to remember to wash your child’s hands (with either soap and water or hand sanitizer) before and after they participate in these activities.

2. How about moms of new babies (under 6 months)? Should new moms and babies be staying home this fall/winter? We have been hearing about doctors advising new moms to stay away from baby music classes, mommy and me groups, etc. Yet, it would seem that if you steer clear of these activities, you should also avoid the grocery store, the mall, and visits with relatives. How do moms balance safety (i.e., flu prevention) with their own mental health (i.e., getting out of the house to be with other people)?

   This is a tough question because the immune systems of very young infants (less than 8 weeks of age) are less protective than those of older infants and toddlers. I would probably avoid the scenarios you describe for infants in this young (<8 weeks) age group, and then to use your judgment as your infants get older. If you are contemplating an activity in which close contact is highly likely (i.e. a sick infant or child will have the opportunity to cough on your infant – not just cough across the room), that might not be the best idea. But getting out of the house and visiting with friends and family are important! Going to the mall, restaurants, and the grocery store are generally safe activities because unfamiliar people aren’t likely to get close enough to cough on your child. And before visiting with friends and family, a quick call to make sure everyone is healthy may be just what you need to put your mind at ease.

3. Another anecdote we heard recently concerned breastfeeding: A mom of a 6-month old baby was planning on discontinuing breastfeeding. Her pediatrician admonished her, stating that by stopping, she would be decreasing her child’s immunity and increasing his risk of contracting the flu. Myth or fact?

   There is strong evidence that breastfeeding is associated with a reduced risk of respiratory infections as well as many other health benefits, however the most important thing to remember is that a happy mom is going to have a happier baby. If you feel that it’s time to stop breastfeeding for whatever reason, make sure that you are really ready to stop and congratulate yourself for having made it as long as you did.

   The CDC website addresses the question about breastfeeding and protection against H1N1 specifically:

   “Since this is a new virus, we don’t know yet about specific protection against it. Mothers pass on protective antibodies to their baby during breastfeeding… Antibodies help fight off infection.” (http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/infantfeeding.htm) However, a decision to stop or continue breastfeeding is a very personal one, and moms should be proud of any length of time they were able to breastfeed their babies.

4. We have been hearing a lot about flu patients flooding ERs and pediatrician’s offices. If we suspect our babies or kids have the flu, what are the signs that we should take them to be seen by a doctor rather than just nursing them along at home? And, if they are well enough to be nursed along at home, what can we do to make them feel better?

   The advice for when to seek medical treatment are the same for this year’s flu virus as they are for any other illnesses. You should see the doctor if your child has: 1) respiratory distress – difficulty breathing, breathing too fast, “retracting” (belly muscles or the muscles in between their ribs are tugging when they are breathing), flaring nostrils; 2) signs of dehydration – vomiting and can’t keep any liquids down, excessive diarrhea, less than 2-3 wet diapers per day, dry lips, racing heart rate that’s not explained by fever 3) lethargic or inconsolable. For children less than 3 months of age, call the doctor if they have a fever greater than 100.4 F. Once children are older than that, fever itself is no longer a medical emergency and in fact is one of the body’s ways of fighting infection.

   As moms, we all want to make our kids feel better when they are sick. You can use acetaminophen (Tylenol) and ibuprofen (Motrin, Advil) for relief of fever and body aches. Many children will lose their appetites when they are sick and that’s perfectly OK – as long as they are drinking enough fluids to have 2-3 wet diapers (or urinate 2-3 times) in a 24 hour period. Sometimes that takes a little creativity, but things like soup and ice pops count as fluids. A warm bath – or even sitting in a steamy bathroom while a hot shower is running – can help with nasal congestion. Otherwise, you should avoid over-the-counter cold/cough/flu medications because of the risks of dangerous side effects in young children.

   Calling your pediatrician’s office if you have concerns is always a good way to start – you can’t catch the flu over the phone. The nurses and doctors can then tell you whether they think the safer thing for your child is to bring them in to the office– or stay out of their waiting room. Nurses and doctors can elicit a lot of useful information from you over the phone to make that decision. Of course, if you are worried that your child is severely ill, seek medical attention right away.

5. What are some things that moms can say to themselves to calm their fears about the H1N1 flu?
   
   The H1N1 flu virus is no more dangerous than the usual seasonal flu virus – the difference is that so many more people are being infected when compared to the usual seasonal flu. Using common sense precautions – regular hand washing, getting your child vaccinated, avoiding certain situations that enable other people to get close enough to cough on your child – are the best ways to prevent getting the flu. For otherwise healthy children who do get the flu, the overwhelming majority will be able to be “nursed though it” without special treatment. And for very young infants as well as children and adults with medical conditions such as asthma, there is an effective antiviral medication (Tamiflu) that can reduce the severity of the illness.

   One thing to keep you calm when you’re about to drop your preschooler off in a classroom full of coughing children is that cough alone is not H1N1 flu virus. A child must have a fever as one of their symptoms, and having a fever does not necessarily mean it’s an H1N1 infection. Young children frequently get fevers for other reasons (other cold viruses, ear infections, etc).

It is okay to not rush in to check on your baby every time she utters a peep. It is okay to turn the baby monitor off if it is interfering in your sleep – if you can hear crying without the monitor, there is no reason to listen to every other breath, burp, and grunt your loud little one makes throughout the night. And, it is okay to push aside other tasks for the time being, like cleaning every closet in your house (yes, this is on my to-do list right now!). Whenever you put your own sleep first (and feel guilty about it), remind yourself that a more well-rested mom is a calmer mom and a calmer mom is a better mom!

When you have very little kids, it is probably not a good idea to stay up for Letterman or Leno anymore. Go to bed earlier and catch your favorite shows on demand when you get up later too feed the baby! 

Although it is tempting to drink a ton of coffee to battle sleep deprivation, it might result in you not being able to sleep when you have the rare opportunity to do so. It can also add to the nervousness that many new moms are already trying to cope with.