Archive for the ‘Calm Kids’ Category

A Real Day in the Life of a Mom

Monday, January 23rd, 2012

If this article has not yet arrived in your inbox, Twitter feed, or on your Facebook page…..take a minute and read it.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I love it.  It perfectly captures what The Calm Mom is all about.

Being a mom is darn hard.  Yes, there are blissful moments in there and boy are they great, but a lot of the time it does feel like climbing Mount Everest.  Like today….when I had to get my dress-obsessed, pink-preferring, 6-year old into pants (because it was gym day) and head-to-toe blue and white (because it was school spirit day).  By the time I got her on the bus this morning, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest and I was ready to go back to bed.

Here is something to think about, fellow Moms.  I think becoming a mom involves a little bit of mourning.  A little bit of getting over what we THOUGHT parenthood or our kids were going to be like and ACCEPTING what it really is like.  Parenthood is a million times harder than I would have ever thought.  And, my kids are really different from how I thought they would be.  I think problems come about because of negative thoughts (“It should be easier,” “I must be doing something wrong”) or because we try to change things that can’t be totally changed (“I wish I had a mellower kid,” “I wish my child wasn’t anxious,” “I wish my child wasn’t allergic to peanuts.”)  Most parents, and most kids, are trying their absolute best.  What we need to do is less changing and more accepting.  It is totally okay to see parenting as hard.  It is totally okay to feel disappointment about certain traits, behaviors, or problems that our kids bring to the table.  But, rather than trying constantly to push against….the question is….how can I take what I have been given and make things work most of the time for our family?

Drop me a line about your challenges.  What are you constantly trying to change in your family but finding frustrating instead?  Maybe we can shift from change to acceptance and find a better solution…..

Greed and the Holidays

Tuesday, January 3rd, 2012

Hi Calm Moms….

Surprised to hear from me?  It’s been eons, I know.  I have been swamped with work, speaking and writing commitments, keeping up my home, and of course, being a mom to two busy kids (they are now 4 and 6!).  But, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to start up my blog again.  The more you all write in with questions and comments, the more inspired I will be :)

Here is what is on my mind today — how to tame “greediness” after the holiday season.

Apart from birthdays and the holiday season, we don’t tend to buy new toys for our kids.  They get new books on a continual basis (my obsession as much as theirs) and we keep available a steady stream of craft supplies which both kids love.  But, we have always tried to run errands to tempting stores like Target when they are in school and set ground rules before going places where we know there will be toys but where we don’t plan to buy them (for example, before going to the bookstore, we always say, “You can choose two books, but we are NOT buying toys”).

All of our best intentions about raising nice kids fly out the window at this time of year.  Our children get several little gifts from us during the holidays and they also receive so many gifts from both sides of the family that by yesterday, my den looked like a tornado had hit.  This morning, amidst all of this “stuff,” my daughter actually had the gall to ask (or actually beg) for something else she had seen over the break that she still really wants.  I almost bit her head off.  Calm, I was not.

But, really how can I blame her?  She has spent the past two weeks receiving at least one gift per day.  None of her wants have been denied.  It is hard to re-establish austerity measures in our house!

So, here are some thoughts:

Give to charity after Christmas: Before the holiday break, most schools, churches, temples, and workplaces collect toys for needy kids.  We had some unused toys put away and had the kids select some to give to these various collection sites.  Although I plan to do this again in upcoming years so that needy kids can get gifts for the holidays, I am going to have the kids do another round of collection this weekend.  Because they have so many new things to play with, I am going to ask them to choose a few toys they have outgrown to give to kids who got less than them for the holidays.

Start teaching kids the value of money: I am not sure the “right” age to start doing this, but my kids are 4 and 6 and the time seems ripe.  Before the holidays, I started a chart at home to work on some specific behaviors.  For each five points, the kids got one dollar to spend.  My six year old daughter really wanted a new Dr. Seuss book.  She worked so hard on her points and was amazed to learn after three weeks, that she had enough points to buy only 1/3 of her book!  What an eye-opener.  For kids of this age, it is important to give “in between” rewards so that they don’t lose faith and interest in their reward system.  For example, after five points, you can have a child choose what the family will have for dinner one night, or be the one to select the movie on family movie night.  But, there is nothing wrong with giving a child a longer term project to work on to start getting a sense of the relationship between hard work and money.

Get back to routine: For any of you who have read The Calm Mom blog before, you know I love routines.  I know we have all been off routine during the holidays.  My sister told me last night that her kids have been going to bed at 10:30 PM and waking up at 9 AM (they are 5 and 8!).  My kids have received too many gifts and maybe become a little wee bit greedy.  We can all get back on routine.  Even if kids give us pressure, remember, they like the familiarity and comfort of routine.  Gifts will be more treasured if they come only a few times a year!

What have you done to counter-act holiday greed?  Please tell us here!!!

Family Meals – Some Collected Clever Ideas

Wednesday, March 2nd, 2011

Thanks, fellow Calm Moms, for all the interesting feedback on yesterday’s post about Family Meals (please make sure to post feedback on the Calm Mom Facebook page or on the blog so that everyone can see!).  As a follow up, I wanted to share some ideas for Family Meals.  A few months back, one of my friends surveyed a whole bunch of fellow moms about what we can cook for dinner that everyone will eat without parental cajoling or child complaining.  I wanted to share this helpful list with you (and add a few tips and favorite recipes of my own).  Please post your suggestions of what has worked for your family:

-Taco night – some families use the usual ground beef, some prefer ground chicken.  One mom suggested using just half the seasoning pack included in taco kits so that the meat is not too spicy for kids.  In general, kids love “making their own” and tacos fit the bill.  Lay out all the possible fillings — cheese, lettuce, tomato, guacamole, salsa, sour cream, beans and let the kids go to town!  I have found that my kids aren’t wild about crunchy taco shells and they are also really messy for three-year-old boys, so we do a quesadilla or fajiita night using flour tortillas.  In my house, I make each child a cheese quesadilla and then they can help themselves to the various toppings as they please.

-Chicken soup – again, the appeal here is that you can kind of “make your own”.  Buy or make the chicken soup with egg noodles, bits of chicken, thinly sliced carrots and other veggies, and if you are so inclined, matzo balls.  You might have one kid that eats clear chicken soup with egg noodles for dinner and another who prefers a bowl with everything in it — but the idea is that everyone can be happy!   Serve with some nice crusty bread!

-Meatballs – When my friend collected these useful ideas, many people wrote in about their love for the meatball, especially prepared meatballs (like from Trader Jo’s) that can be whipped up quickly at the end of the day.  Of course, meatballs go beautifully with pasta and give kids a little dose of protein.  Meatballs can also go into a fun sandwich with sauce and melted cheese.  Other parents suggested mashing up the meatballs and putting them into already adored foods like quesadillas and grilled cheese.

-Rotisserie or roasted chicken: Roast chicken can be a super family food.  Supermarket ones are generally good, but very salty.  For people concerned about sodium, try roasting your own – it is amazing how easy it is even for people who do not consider themselves good cooks (try this Martha Stewart recipe!).  When carefully carved, the chicken has very little “ick” factor for little ones.  We serve it with some delicious dipping sauce (for all your Canadians out there, I bring home Swiss Chalet chicken sauce after every trip home and my kids love it).  As a leftover, roast chicken can be turned into a nice Asian stir-fry or a fun pasta recipe.

-Make Your Own Sandwich Night: Again, we come back to the “make your own” theme.  We put out deli meats, fresh rolls, veggies and various toppings and everyone gets something they enjoy.  Another mom in my friend’s survey mentioned hummus sandwiches.  Her general idea was to take a food her kids already liked and try to grow it into a whole, healthy meal.  I like that idea!  Another riff on sandwiches in my house is Panini night.  I give the kids some choice on filling but don’t feel badly about it because I am basically cooking one thing for everyone.

-From the freezer section: In my friend’s survey, moms suggested pirogues, fish sticks, spinach rolls, various Asian dumplings, and pigs in blankets (hot dogs wrapped in Crescent rolls).

-Homemade Chinese Food Night: Make some plain noodles, make some plain veggies, make some bits of chicken or meat or shrimp with a yummy sauce, make some extra of said sauce (that the raw chicken or meat has not been swimming in) and place everything on table.  Let each family member make their own little Chinese food plate, including garnishes like peanuts or lime wedges (Chinese food purists, I know this is not actually Chinese…but it works!).

-Breakfast for Dinner: In my friend’s survey, many people mentioned making breakfast for dinner – pancakes, waffles, bacon or sausage, omelets, hash browns, etc.  My kids asked just this morning if we can have bagels and cream cheese for dinner.  Why not?  Add in some smoked salmon (many kids like it!), some slices of tomato, and a fruit salad and you have a pretty nice and easy meal for the end of a workday.

-The Ubiquitous Chicken Nuggets: Do you know any children who do not like chicken nuggets?  I don’t.  So, here are my thoughts on the issue.  I buy two brands of nuggets, both of which are made only with breast meat, white chicken.  I do not buy the kind that are made of mushed up rib and other meats.  I do this for two reasons.  First, I have read that the texture of those mushy nuggets encourages overeating because they are so easy to chew and swallow.  I want the kids to experience the “mouth feel” of real chicken under that appealing breading.  Second, I integrate nuggets into our family meal so I buy two brands that are low in fat (relatively) and tasty to adults.  On nugget night, I make a huge salad for my husband and me.  We eat our salads with a nugget or two sliced on top; the kids eat theirs with their ketchup and preferred veggie.  A more gourmet version, and a meal we all love (shocking!), is Chicken Schnitzel.  I follow Thomas Keller’s recipe of French Laundry fame and it is so amazing, you could easily serve it at a dinner party.

-Pasta, pasta, pasta: My daughter could eat plain pasta with fancy parmesan cheese every night for dinner.  The rest of us, however, might go mad.  So, as she nibbles on her favorite meal, the rest of us might have spaghetti and meatballs; pasta with any sort of roast veggie that is in season with a bit of ricotta or goat cheese; pasta with homemade pesto (the kids tried it and loved it last summer after watering the basil all summer, picking it themselves and then helping me whip it up in the Cuisinart); etc.  Some families in my friend’s surveyed mentioned lasagna as another successful family meal.

What do you cook that your whole family enjoys?  Please post your ideas here!

Caring For Your Child’s Skin During the Winter Months

Monday, January 31st, 2011

Are you having a brutal winter where you live?  We sure are here in Philadelphia.  Even as a native Canadian, I have to say that this is the roughest winter I can remember in a long time!  With this cold weather, day in and day out, comes the challenge of caring for the delicate skin of the little ones in our house.  So, I turned to Dr. Kara Shah for some advice that I could use and share with you, my fellow Calm Moms!

Dr. Shah is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics and Dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and Attending Physician, Pediatric Dermatology, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.  Here are her responses to the questions I sent her.

1.How often should kids bathe during the winter?

KS: Most infants in general, regardless of the season, only need a full bath 1-3 times per week; on other days, parents can target washing to areas such as the face, hands, and diaper area. Toddlers and older children also usually do just fine bathing 2-3 times per week. In any season, but particularly in the winter when the air is cold and dry, attention should be paid to limit the time in the bath or shower (ideally 5-10 minutes or less), to use a gentle non-soap cleanser (examples include Dove Sensitive skin, and Cetaphil), and to moisturize after every bath or shower and ideally 1-2 times per day, more if the skin is particualrly dry. Frequent use of emollients helps to counteract the drying and irritating effects of cold, dry air.

2. Should parents be using lotion on their kids? If so, what should parents look for in a lotion?

KS: I think every child should have an emollient applied at least once daily, including after bathing. Children with eczema or sensitive skin benefit from more frequent applications of an emollient. I generally avoid lotions (generally come in a pump bottle) as these usually have alcohols in them, which can be drying and irritating. I prefer cream-based emollients (examples include Cerave, Cetaphil, Eucerin and Aveeno). Some children with very dry skin or eczema may be better with an ointment such as Aquaphor or Vaseline petrolatum ointment. I avoid products that have fragrance or lots of botanical derivatives added (these can be irritating to sensitive skin and can even cause skin allergies) and those products with a long list of ingredients (less is more !)

3. How about lip balm?

KS: Lip balm in great for cold weather or for kids who lick there lips a lot. Plain old Vaseline/petrolatum works just as well, though ! The one benefit that some lip balms do have is sunscreen, which is important to use during the summer.

4. A lot of kids can’t or won’t keep gloves in during the winter. How should parents handle that? Is it dangerous for kids to be outside in these cold temperatures without mittens or gloves?

KS: When the temperature is below freezing, in particular if there is a significant windchill effect, mittens or gloves should be considered mandatory . Frostbite or frostnip (milder cold-induced skin damage that causes only temporary effects) can and do occur in children, who may not recognize the early signs such as itching and numbness. Parents should start placing mittens on their children’s hands when they are infants to get them accustomed to wearing them. No mittens, no playing in the snow!

5. Should parents be worried at all about the harmful effects of the sun during the winter months? Personally, I wear a light moisturizer all year round, every day, with SPF but it never dawns on me to put sunscreen on the kids when it is 10 degrees outside. Should we be doing so? Or, is the exposure to sunlight good for them (Vitamin D etc.)

KS: Even during the winter, children can develop a sunburn if outside on a sunny day for an extended period of time; the sun is reflected off of the snow and ice. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children wear sunscreen on exposed skin when outside during the winter for extended periods of time. My kids aren’t snow birds and are rarely outside for more than 15-20 minutes; therefore I don’t use a lot of sunscreen during the winter! If you take a snow and ski vacation with your children, however, and they are outside a lot, sunscreen is recommended. Both the American Academy of Dermatology and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children receive the recommended daily intake of vitamin D through diet and supplementation as opposed to sun exposure.

Managing Sibling Rivalry among Young Children

Tuesday, January 18th, 2011

Ever since a friend wrote to me about a month ago asking me to write about sibling rivalry, I have been giving the topic a great deal of thought.  Let’s just start with the assumption that some sibling rivalry is 100% normal — all kids fight over toys, compete for parental attention, and sometimes start pummeling each other for no reason whatsoever.  I vividly recall a marker fight with my older sister that resulted in one of us sustaining a broken blood vessel in the arm (love how I can’t remember if it was her arm or mine) and our markers being confiscated for weeks.  Ah, the horrors of returning to crayons!

With that assumption set forth, parents still wonder what they should do when they hear arguing, screaming, and punching between little people who are supposed to be deeply in love.  Here are some thoughts:

-Set a good example: We have talked about this before at The Calm Mom.  Every time we open our mouths, our kids listen (I know it doesn’t seem this way when we are telling them to put their coats on or go to the potty, but they do!).  Our own styles of communication set a template for how our kids communicate to other kids (including siblings) and to us, their parents.  In the past month, when I have been thinking about this topic, I have been alarmed to hear many of my own phrases and intonations in the way my five-year old communicates with her little brother.  It isn’t pretty.  But, full disclosure, it is the way I talk to them when I am annoyed or need them to do something *pronto*.  I need to work on my own communication if I want them to speak more kindly to one another.  Watch out for this in the way you communicate to your spouse.  If you are bossy, demanding, or disrespectful, expect to hear the same style in the way your kids talk to one another.

-Set a no tolerance policy on the few things you deem important: You can’t expect angelic kids 24/7 and  you can’t be instructing your kids on how to behave every minute of the day in the hopes of getting them.  Decide what is absolutely NOT acceptable in your house (in ours, it is physical aggression).  If the children break those cardinal rules, there must be an immediate consequence, ideally something tied to the event that incited the rivalry.  For example, if one child bit the other child during a fight over a favorite toy, that toy should be taken away for a period of time…no exception, no early exemptions!  Also, once everything simmers down, the offending child should apologize to the other child….not a flippant “sorry” but a “Sorry for biting you when you touched my new Rapunzel doll.”

Another great thing to do post-crisis is to role play what the children might do differently if the same situation arose again.  Give each child one minute to tell you (with no interruptions from the other child) what happened.  Then, present a few possible solutions for next time.  And, have the kids practice them.  For example, if the child was trying to play with her new Rapunzel doll and was constantly being interrupted by her younger sibling, she could have sought help from mom to get the little guy busy with something else.  Or, she could have taken Rapunzel to her room and shut the door.  Or, she could have thought up a game for both kids to play together that involved Rapunzel.  This kind of parental intervention takes some time and thought and effort, but does tend to transfer into good results when a similar situation arises again.

-Don’t overparent: For all other quibbling (beyond those issues you deem absolutely unacceptable), let the kids be. Do not swoop in every time you hear them arguing over a toy, or debating which episode of Wonder Pets to watch, or fighting about who gets the yellow swing and who gets the blue swing.  Let them work it out.  Why?  Well….

-Managing on their own is a valuable lesson: Life is full of negotiations, many of which you will not be present for.  If you swoop in every time to solve a problem, your kids won’t know how to solve problems with peers.  Your child will be the one who always tattle tales and always whines to the teacher, and we know that kids like that don’t do terribly well socially.  I actually like listening from another room….even at 3 and 5, kids can do okay with making a plan together — “Let’s watch the Owl Wonder Pets first for you and then the Pig one for me.”  When you hear one of these moments of beauty, swoop in, and REINFORCE.  Tell the kids how proud you are of them — even throw in an extra episode of the Wonder Pets as a reward!

-Sibling rivalry doesn’t end in trips to emergency rooms: A few years ago, I went to a lecture on raising boys.  The speaker was endorsing this hands-off notion.  He pointed out that playdates do not end in trips to the emergency room.  Think about it.  Do you know of any sibling squabbles that ended in trips to the emergency room?  I don’t.  Ask yourself what you are afraid of when your kids fight.  Try re-framing the whole “problem” of sibling rivalry into a valuable learning experience — how to solve social problems in the safety and comfort of one’s own home.

As a P.S., Today’s blog post fits perfectly with this super quote in an editorial by David Brooks (Amy Chua Is a Wimp) in today’s New York Times….

“Practicing a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls. Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.”

The Power of Sleep: Part II

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010

Yesterday, I shared with you a chart showing how much sleep your little ones SHOULD be getting.  Are yours getting enough?

Often, behavior problems can be attributed to too little sleep.  Here are some tips on getting your little ones some good, long zzzzz’s:

-Dial it back slowly: If your kids currently go to bed at 10, don’t lose hope….you can re-train their brains to go to bed at 8.  Just do it slowly.  Dial back bedtime by 15 minutes each night. 

-Have a solid bedtime routine: Read about sleep routines for babies (also here) and kids on The Calm Mom.com.   Set a simple routine, and stick to it religiously, EVERY NIGHT. 

-Allow each family member to have their own place to sleep, all night: We all have our own views on sleep and I am crystal clear on mine.  I believe that each family member deserves to have their own place to sleep, all night long.  When babies and kids sleep with their parents, they are denied the opportunity to learn to fall asleep on their own — a skill we all need every night for the rest of our lives.  I often work with kids who are 10 or 11 or 12 and still sleep with parents (and by that age, no one is happy about it).  Trust me, it is way easier to teach a child to sleep independently at 6 months old than at 12 years old!  Furthermore, when kids come into parents’ rooms during the night, parents are denied the opportunity to get a good night sleep which they need to be calm during the day and do well at their jobs.  It can take some work to get kids to sleep independently, but it is worth it in terms of sleep quality for every member of the family. 

-Watch caffeine intake: In little kids?  YES!  Some small kids drink soda, iced tea, hot chocolate and even sips of parents’ coffee drinks.  All of these affect sleep and should be avoided. 

Do you have a sleep challenge you would like me to address?  Leave your comments here!

The Power of Sleep

Monday, November 15th, 2010

Our family just returned from our first trip to Disney World.  As I had expected, it was magical.  The look on the kids’ faces when they met their favorite characters was priceless.  They loved the rides, the Castle, the Mickey shaped waffles for breakfast, the list could go on and on.

There was one problem with the trip, however — sleep deprivation!  On our first night, we stayed up really late.  First there was dinner with the Princesses, then a Christmas parade, and then their first ever fireworks.  Our kids who usually go to bed at 7:30 hit the hay after 10:00.  And, they never really recovered for the rest of the trip.  I have written before about failure of the frontal lobe – the problem on this trip was that it set in at about 10 AM each day instead of 6 PM.  For our 5-year old, this meant behavior approximating “Grumpy” from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.  Our 3-year old was as clumsy as “Goofy.”  They were quite a sight!

This experience inspired me to post about sleep this week.  Today, I want to share a chart from my friend Jodi Mindell’s book, “Sleeping Through the Night” (see my Favorite Things  page for details).  Here, by age, is how much sleep little ones need each night:

2 months to 12 months – 14 to 15 hours

12 months to 3 years – 12 to 14 hours

3 years to 6 years – 11 to 13 hours

Are your kids getting enough? 

Tune in tomorrow for tips on how to make sure your little ones get enough sleep…including how to balance vacation fun with sleep needs!

Inoculating Yourself Against Your Kids’ Bad Moods

Friday, November 5th, 2010

I am a huge fan of Gretchen Rubin, author of The Happiness Project and the Happiness Project blog (the only blog I regularly read besides The Calm Mom!).  I encourage all of you to check out Gretchen’s fantastic words of wisdom!

This week, Gretchen wrote about how kids affect their parents’ mood.  She described a day when her 5 year old woke up on the wrong side of the bed and, in her words, “by the end of the day, all four of us were in very crabby moods.”  She goes on to post this question:

“How do I maintain my emotional self-sufficiency while also staying very engaged with the people around me? (Or, put another way, am I so shallow that a five-year-old’s whining can ruin my day?)”

Ah, Gretchen, I can relate!  I, too, live with a five year old and yes, her moods can color my day from our very first interaction in the morning.  So, the question got me thinking….and made me come up with some good tips for all of us to try:

-Think about biology: When kids wake up in a foul mood, sometimes it boils down to basic biology.  Did they get enough sleep?  Are they starving?  Have we started chatting to them before they have had a chance to even go pee (I am guilty of this one!)?  Could they be feeling under the weather?  I have found that on moody mornings, my daughter often has an extra bowl of cheerios and is like a changed person!  Be mindful of these factors, and adjust accordingly.  Everyone else might be putting their 5-year old to bed at 10 PM, but if your kid is a 7-o’clocker, stick to it religiously!

-Don’t get too involved: Some moms and dads spend a lot of time with their kids trying to figure out where the bad mood came from (otherwise known as talking about feelings).  Yes, I am psychologist, but I don’t think this is always a good idea.  For very young kids, they generally are not going to know.  They just feel grumpy.  The more attention you give to the grumpiness, the longer they will stay grumpy and the more often they will get grumpy.  Because, as we all know, kids love attention.  Instead….

-Try humor: For little kids, it can be fun to give this problem a name, like Mr. Grumpy.  “Gee, it seems like Mr. Grumpy has come for a visit today.  He is SUCH A PAIN!”  Then, ask your child, “What can we do to send him packing?”  Kids often have very good ideas about how to feel better.  On a weekend morning, for example, a child might choose to stay in bed a bit longer and look at some books.  This is not punishment…it is an opportunity to get into a better mood and enjoy the upcoming day.

-Change the Channel in the Brain: Little kids love this one.   Parents can say, “Ugh, it seems like your brain is stuck on the grumpy channel today.  Can we change the channel in your brain to a channel that is more fun?”  The general idea is to get busy with something else that propels kids out of their bad mood.  Good activities are: helping with household tasks, doing art, looking at books, playing with toys, watching a show, going outside to run around, etc. 

-Don’t let the bad mood determine the family’s behavior: When our kids wake up in bad moods, the inclination is to call off the plans!  “We were supposed to go to the zoo today, but I don’t want to go with a little grump-pot.”  Admit it, we’ve all said it!  Keeping with that same spirit of not paying too much attention to Mr. Grumpy, go on with your day.  When the whole family gets busy with a fun activity, your child will be more likely to be jarred out of a bad mood. 

-If all else fails, change the channel in your own brain:  We have all had those days when NOTHING works….I know, I’ve been there.  As a parent, it is then our job to change the channel in our own brains.  We can choose to stay focused on the little drama queen or king residing in our house, or get busy with something else.  Remember that doing nothing for the grumpy child is OKAY…sometimes there is nothing to do.  Modeling calmness yourself, by grabbing a book to read or going to do some baking or heading out for a run, shows a good example to your kids.

Let me know what you do when your kids are in a grumpy mood!  Post your comments here!

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In Her Shoes: Learn to See Kid Behavior From Kids’ Point of View

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

I am setting myself a resolution for November and hope you, my fellow Calm Moms, will join me.

I am going to work harder on understanding my kids’ behavior from their point of view, rather than from my own grown-up point of view (for moms of babies, check out a previous post on understanding baby behavior from baby’s point of view).

Here’s an example.  On Halloween, we attended a party with 30+ children, all five years old and younger.  As we set out for trick or treating (in a pack of these aforementioned 30 children), I noticed a lot of pushing and shoving and rudeness from my five year old daughter.  Several times, I pulled her aside and asked her to be more respectful of her friends.  “Please,” I said, “Stop pushing, shoving and snarling at your friends.  It’s not nice.”  Needless to say, I got some snarls in return!

The next morning, I was telling my very wise mom about the evening.  She said, “That sounds like the most ridiculous plan….who would attempt to trick or treat for 30 small children?”  I took a step back and thought it over.  It was certainly fun for all of us moms and dads.  But, for the kids?  They worried about whether there would be enough candy, they wanted to be the “line leader”, they were tired and felt irritated by the intrusion in their personal space as all the friends gathered on tiny front porches.

What did I expect???  Perhaps it would have been MORE concerning if my daughter had hung back, not caring about the same things (getting candy, being first, having space) as all the other kids. 

In other words, she behaved like a normal 5 year old, given the demands of the situation.

My problem (I am being honest here!) is that I forget to consider my kids’ point of view when we are in difficult situations.  I just get frustrated if they are not behaving like the little angels they are most of the time!

So, here is my plan.  When I feel myself getting frustrated, I am going to cue an image of a “SHOE” in my head.  This is going to remind me — stand in their shoes, consider what THEY are thinking and feeling right now, and….react accordingly.

I will fill you in on how my plan is going.  And please, leave your tips on how you handle challenging situations with your little ones.

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Babies and iPhones: Is Calm Always Good?

Tuesday, October 19th, 2010

Sunday’s New York Times Style Section included a fascinating article entitled, “Toddlers’ Favorite Toy: The iPhone”.  The article, well-written by Hilary Stout, wrote about how parents are using their iPhones to soothe and entertain their very young babies and toddlers.

The very next day, I was out to lunch with a dear friend and her 19-month old baby.  As our lunch drew to a close, and the little guy got fussy, out came the iPhone.  My friend turned on Elmo, the baby got a glazed, calm look on his face…and it bought us 15 more minutes for our girls lunch.  I saw the magic in action!

So, okay Moms…I’ll give you this.  The iPhone is going to work to soothe and entertain pretty much any darn kid on the planet.  As one of my favorite child psychologists, Kathy Hirsh-Pasek said  in the article, “This is a magical phone…I must admit I’m addicted to this phone.”

But, does the calming effect outweigh the problems?

Here are the Calm Mom’s thoughts:

-Relying on an iPhone denies kids the opportunity to learn self-regulation & self-soothing skills: Babies have been around for way longer than iPhones.  A very important part of child development is learning to self-soothe.  For very little babies, this might mean sucking on fingers or a pacifier or holding on to a blankie or stuffed friend.  For toddlers, this means playing with a toy or chatting to oneself or looking around at one’s environment.  These skills are essential for the rest of our lives!  We need to learn how to be present with ourselves without relying on technology to get us through the day.  I was amazed to read in the article about the mom who gave her child an iPhone on their 15 minute drive to school each day.  What about looking out the window?  Listening to music?  Singing?  Or, glory forbid, actually TALKING?  Beware moms who rely on technology — it only works when it is THERE.  What will happen to these iPhone dependent babies when they need to soothe themselves to sleep at night, or when Mom needs the iPhone to make a work call, or when the iPhone is accidentally left at home before a long outing?  Sounds like a disaster to me… 

-We don’t know what technology does to very young brains: There is a lot of exciting research going on about the effect of technology on our brains.  We certainly don’t know the impact yet, and I would guess the least attention is being paid to the under 3-year old set (who scientists would not imagine would be great users of techology).  I am compelled, however, by Dr. Hirsh-Pasek’s comment about the addictive quality of the iPhone.  There is evidence that getting a ping of a new email message or Facebook post releases neurotransmitters in our brains (admit it, you have seen the addictive properties in your own lives, Moms!).  These days, parents worry about feeding their babies non-organic foods or letting their kids eat Halloween candy that contains food coloring. Come on moms, let’s give some thought to our kids’ brains!  Maybe we are all worrying about the wrong things?

-Boundaries: Allowing your baby to play with your $300 iPhone communicates to your baby “what is mine, is yours.”  Do you let your baby eat off your good china?  Do you allow your three year old daughter to wear your cashmere sweaters?  Go to the ATM and take out some spending money?  No, because these are adult things.  Children actually feel safer if they know there is a boundary between the adult world (i.e., things they don’t need to worry or think about) and the child’s world.  Furthermore, not having everything by the time you are three gives you something to look forward to when you are 30.

-Don’t put yourself in failure situations: It seems that parents pull out technology in situations that simply aren’t suitable to very little kids.  We let our kids watch their portable DVD players on airplanes and on long car trips (over two hours) because we recognize these are unnatural situations for kids who like to move around and play.  If you are pulling out the technology on a daily basis, it is worth asking yourself, “Am I putting my child in too many child un-friendly situations?”  If so, the problem is not the technology per se, it is the life you are setting up for your child.  As an example, if parents take their one-year old to dinner every Saturday night because they want a “date night” but are nervous about getting a babysitter, it might be a better idea to work on getting used to having a babysitter than to have their child sit for several hours, being entertained by a very small phone!

What are your views on this important issue?  Weigh in here by leaving your comments!