It is not healthy to be a mom 24/7, with no breaks ever. Don’t be a hero. Patience begins to wear thin when moms don’t have any time away from this, the hardest job in the world. Making plans for a dinner out with a friend or your spouse, taking a half-hour to go for a jog or get a manicure will leave you with a renewed feeling of energy and patience.

A baby who is infuriating you one moment can have you collapsing in giggles the next. So, if you are feeling very frustrated, give yourself a time out. Rather than yelling, or snapping, or losing control in some other way, remove yourself from the stressful situation. Put your baby in a safe place like his crib or a swing and step into the next room. Do something relaxing for five minutes – make a cup of tea, do some deep breathing, call a friend. Often, by the time you come back your baby will have calmed down too. Furthermore, by removing attention from “bad” baby behavior, the baby will be less likely to continue engaging in that behavior.

Particularly if you are a calm person, not prone to anger, yelling at a baby can make you feel awful and can begin a cascade of negative thoughts – “I am a terrible Mom,” “I am sure my best friend doesn’t scream at her kid,” etc. Give yourself a break. We all lose our temper from time to time. It’s normal. Don’t equate a momentary lapse in sanity with your abilities as a mom. Yelling, “JUST STOP!” after your baby has been crying for four hours straight does not mean you are a bad mom.

A great source of irritation for new moms is seeing that life doesn’t run quite as smoothly with a new baby as it did before baby. Are you always running late? Do you regularly look down at your clothes during an important meeting at work and notice a splotch of spit-up? Does your house look like a tornado just ran through it? Well, fellow Calm Moms, now is the time to move into a stance of acceptance. Life is different with a little one and trying to maintain your perfectionistic standards will land you in only one place – an irritable one.

This is not to say that there is nothing you can do to make your life a bit neater and more orderly. One key however is to adjust your own behavior rather than placing unrealistic demands on your little one. As an example, rather than getting furious with your baby if you are running late to get somewhere, readjust your own sense of time. Babies will spit up all over or have a diaper disaster right as you are on your way out of the house. Toddlers will run around the house naked when you are rushing to get them dressed for daycare so that you can get to work. You will notice that you look like a total mess right as you are about to make an important presentation at work. So, give yourself extra time – more than you can imagine needing. When you aren’t in a mad rush to get somewhere, tension will be lower. And, when you are calm, your baby will be calmer too.

Many new moms are alarmed to see themselves transformed from calm and reasonable human beings, to those who experience daily battles with anger, irritability and yelling.  Why is this?

There is no doubt that sleep deprivation is a major factor. Anyone who is going on five hours of sleep a night (interrupted, of course) is prone to snap at the smallest irritation.

Another factor is role adjustment. Becoming a mom means taking on an entirely new role in a life, while also learning how to balance being a mom with all of one’s existing roles (spouse, employee, etc.). The stress associated with this role adjustment can certainly lead to irritability.

Babies themselves can contribute to irritability and anger. Prior to having a baby, it is almost impossible to imagine how these precious creatures could press our buttons. But, when babies cry endlessly, fling their food on the ground, wriggle like a fish when you are trying to clean a very messy diaper, or dig up your favorite house plant, they can turn even the calmest mom into a raving lunatic. Furthermore, babies = unpredictability. You might have spent a few hours making a delicious birthday dinner for your husband, only to have your baby cry through the whole meal. Or, you are about to head off on a long planned vacation and your baby comes down with the chicken pox. On the one hand, you feel badly for your little one. On the other hand, you might feel resentful about how little control you now have.

And, how about your spouse, who you used to think was near perfect? Even the hardiest of marriages can take a hit when baby makes three. With all the stress of a new baby in the house, it can feel like a spouse is not around enough and when he is, does not do enough (or do things the “right” way). And, with all the attention on babies, moms can begin to feel neglected, also bringing on feelings of anger and frustration.

Thankfully, there is a lot that new moms can do to deal with anger, frustration, irritability and the accompanying loss of temper! We have some great suggestions for how moms can manage their moods.

What brings on your own temper tantrums? Do the same things consistently bug you? Once you figure out your anger triggers, you can try to change the situation so that life feels a bit calmer for you. Here are a few examples:

Do you get frustrated when your baby tries to roll over during a diaper change? Have a basket of small toys and books on your change table so that you can hand something to your little one to entertain him during diaper changes.

Do you want to cry when your baby throws his bowl of food on the floor? Take the food away and end the meal. Once he learns that his behavior results in food being taken away, he won’t do it anymore. And, before you label me as cruel and depriving, keep in mind that babies begin throwing their food around when they are done eating and feel bored!

Do you get annoyed that your husband doesn’t help with the baby? Figure out why he doesn’t. Do you criticize him for doing everything “wrong”? Do you reprimand him for not catching a poopy diaper fast enough? Do you bark at him to help you out and then refrain from thanking him when he does? Changing your behavior can have a magical effect on his behavior. Ask your husband for help politely, don’t criticize the way that he does things (just because it’s different from your way), and for goodness sake, say thank him! He will feel so good that he’ll want to be involved with the baby more and more.

Check out the Calm Mom Coaching page if you want more help with learning to Be Your Own Behavior Therapist.

Does this sound familiar to you?

Since I stopped working, I have to ask my husband for money for the first time ever. It makes me feel totally uncomfortable.

Don’t tell anyone, but I pay cash for a lot of stuff so that my husband won’t know what I am spending money on or how much things cost.

My husband freaked out when we were reviewing our bills this month and saw how much I spend on cosmetics. That was always my little indulgence and now I feel like I have to justify the cost to him.

My husband is a saver. He wants to put every cent into college accounts for our babies. But, I like to buy stuff. I want them to have nice clothes and eat organic foods. He just doesn’t get it.

As is clear from these quotes from new moms just like you, money can become a real mine-field for new parents. It is a huge adjustment for women to go from being a fellow wage-earner, to being a stay-at-home mom completely reliant on dad’s income. The key to survival is good communication. Set aside time each month to discuss financial issues (e.g., when baby is asleep, Blackberries are turned off, etc.). Discuss expenses, brainstorm ways to save money, and decide collaboratively on long-term financial goals. Be willing to listen to one another and meet in the middle if your approach to finances is different.

It can be lonely, and sometimes even dull to be home with a new baby 24/7. Getting out and keeping busy keeps most new moms sane. However, all the baby classes and lunches out with friends can really add up. So, consider ways to have fun without spending money. Instead of lunch out, pack a picnic and meet up with friends and their babies at a park or on a local college campus. Instead of a pricey baby class, establish your own weekly playgroup with fellow new moms (rotate from home to home each week). Find out what day of the week you can attend your local museums for free. Check out story time at your local library. If you have great ideas of free ways to have fun with your baby and other new moms, please write to the Calm Mom!

Figure out your traps for spending money and change your behavior so that you can’t act on temptation. Let me share a personal example – I love a particular children’s clothing store that is not inexpensive. If I walk in that store, or open an email from the company, I almost invariably buy something for my kids. I just can’t resist. So now, I only visit the store during their super sales or on the very rare occasion when I need something extra-special for the kids to wear. If you fall prey to the endless catalogs that land in your mailbox, toss them before reading. If those daily emails promising sales and free shipping get you, unsubscribe. And, if it’s the mall that gets you, either don’t go or leave your credit cards at home.

Ladies, let me warn you, this exercise will shock you! As an example, keep track for a month of how much you spend on coffee. If you go to a fancy coffee shop every day “for a treat,” that could add up to $120 per month. This is not to say that you should become an aesthete and forgo all treats! New moms need pampering. But, if money is tight, consider your best way to spend. You could make a switch and begin buying coffee at your local convenience store. Or, you could make coffee at home and spend your $120 on ten hours of babysitting. If you find that you are spending hundreds of dollars a month on children’s clothing, consider switching to a lesser priced store or only shopping during sales (tip to new moms – virtually all children’s clothes go on sale, often quite soon after they first come into stores). Put the savings into a college account for your kids.