In this Sunday’s New York Times, Tara Parker-Pope wrote about some new research on marriage which I found fascinating.  The research has been done by Dr. Arthur Aron at Stony Brook, who was also a guest yesterday on Radio Times on NPR.  Dr. Aron’s research suggests that people feel committed and satisfied in their relationships when they experience self-expansion from one another.  What is self-expansion?  Although it has been a while since my last social psychology course in grad school, here is my best shot at explaining the concept.  Self-expansion occurs when we feel that another person has helped us grow.  This might happen when our partner exposes us to a new experience, teaches us about a new concept, or introduces us to new people.  When another person contributes to our self-expansion, they become pretty important in our lives.  People like to feel as if they are continually growing and developing, so when someone plays this role in our lives, we are more likely to want to keep them around.

How does the concept of self-expansion apply to new parents?

On the one hand, having a child is amazingly self-expanding, and sharing this experience as a couple can certainly strengthen bonds.  Within days, most of us go from knowing nothing about babies to knowing how to change diapers, feed, and (sometimes!) comfort a baby.

Yet, things can quickly become stagnant in a marriage after having a baby.  Days and nights become a blur of soothing, feeding, changing, and of course, earning a living.  When is there time for self-expansion??

This research tells us that we must make the time.  After all, the greatest gift we can give our kids is a strong and committed set of parents!  Here are some tips on how to accomplish this goal….

-Talk about your days: Once you become parents, all talk does NOT need to revolve around baby.  Ask each other about your days.  Talk about that interesting report you heard on NPR.  Share the office gossip.  Teach each other new things.  On one of our first dates, my husband brought an angiogram, an X-ray image showing how he unblocks arteries in his job as an interventional cardiologist.  Sounds funny, but I loved it, and over the past eight years, I have learned a ton about cardiology and he has learned a ton about the treatment of anxiety disorders.  Might not be dinner conversation for everyone, but we still find it intellectually challenging, fun, and relationship-enhancing to discuss our work.

-Go on dates: I have written about the importance of date nights before.  Now I have research to back up how important date nights are!  This research suggests that date nights should involve something self-enhancing!  Try something new together whether it be a new kind of food, a thought-provoking movie, or a new experience.  Dr. Aron said on the radio yesterday (I am paraphrasing here!), “If you usually go to the opera together, go to a horserace; if you usually go to the races, try the opera.”

-Be Strong Within Yourself: Dr. Aron explained in his radio interview that what we bring to our marriages is a strong predictor of marital success — how self-confident we are, how mentally healthy we are, how much social support we have, etc.  Once we become parents, many women feel lost.  They pour themselves into their babies/their new role of “mom” and they lose the “me” part.  Nurturing the “me” part is totally acceptable and actually, important for being a good mom and having a strong marriage.  If you used to love to cook, get cooking.  If you have always wanted to learn to play the piano, find some time to learn.  If travel is your thing, expose your kids to travel and help them to see how super it is too.  Nurturing these parts of yourself, and then sharing them with your spouse, will serve to keep the spark and excitement in your marriage!

A challenging thing about parenthood is that nothing is equal.  Although I don’t want to overgeneralize here, it is still the norm in our country for moms (particularly in the early years of motherhood) to do most of the childrearing and housework and dads to be the primary breadwinners.  Even when moms work outside the home, they still tend to spend more time on housework and childrearing than dads do. 

Now, it’s essential to note that moms of this generation are lucky — dads do so much more than they used to, from changing diapers to arranging playdates!  But, the reality is — NOTHING IS EQUAL.  Both moms and dads walk through their day believing, “What I am doing is harder than what you are doing.”  And, this kind of belief can quickly breed resentment. 

Here are some tips for how couples can maintain calm in their relationships:

1. Consider Dad: Okay fellow moms, you know, I am always on your side!  I am a working mom, with two small kids, and an old house that constantly needs repairs.  I have a lot going on.  And, I know all of you do too.  But, ladies, take a step back and consider Dad.  What is your husband’s day like?  Is his day stress-free simply because he is not balancing as much as you are?  Highly unlikely.  Many dads shoulder most of the burden of supporting their families in a very tough economic climate.  So, although they might not pack lunches or help with homework or change as many diapers as you, they have their own stress and deserve our support, respect, and thanks for what they do to keep our families afloat. 

2. Stand in each other’s shoes: It is difficult to explain this strategy without it sounding like a “told you so” mind-game.  But, give me a chance — because it really works.  Dads, even the most sympathetic and involved ones, often have no idea what goes into raising kids and running a home on a daily basis.  So, let your hubby stand in your shoes for a day or two.  Spend a day with a friend, treat yourself to a spa day, go to a conference for work.  And, let your husband jump into your life.  The point of this exercise is not to be able to say, “I told you so.”  Rather, the reason for doing it is that behaviors are more powerful than words.  You can tell your husband over and over again just how overwhelmed you are, but until he spends a day in your shoes, he just might not get it.  Moms rarely have to say, “I told you so,” because when they walk back into the house after their little break, their spouses begin the conversation by saying, “My goodness, I had no idea!”  This exercise often serves as a non-defensive starting point for really useful conversations about divvying up parenting and household responsibilities. 

3. Be Good Communicators: When we are frustrated and overwhelmed, we tend to become defensive, snappy and rude.  Nothing gets accomplished in this state of mind.  So moms, if you feel you are shouldering too much of the burden of your family life, set aside some time to discuss it with your spouse.  Put the kids to bed, make a nice dinner, and use your best communication skills.  By this, we mean taking into account your spouse’s point of view (“I know you are working really hard to support our family”), while also expressing your own needs (“and at the same time, I need a little help with some things around here.”)  Be specific about what you need (“I need to get a bit more sleep at least a few nights a week” or “I need one night a week to get to the gym and see my friends.”).  People respond much better to one or two specific behavioral requests than to vague demands (“You have to do more.”) or even worse, overarching criticism. 

How do you divide up parenting and household responsibilities in your family?  Post your comments here! 

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If a couple is having difficulties before having a baby, it is very unlikely that the baby will solve everything. If anything, the new addition is likely to further stress existing problems. Now that you have a baby, it is essential to strengthen your relationship. Often, couples find that a therapist can be of great help if they are not moving forward with solving problems on their own. Yes, seeking help takes time and yes, it takes money…both of which are often already stressed by your new little family member. But, the pay-off for your baby can be priceless. Check out therapist listings at locator.apa.org or therapists.psychologytoday.com.

Couples’ physical relationships often change after having a baby. And, this is okay. It is important to have reasonable expectations and know that this is likely to happen and is not necessarily a reflection of the strength of your relationship. As you begin to get more sleep, and feel calmer in your new role as parents, your physical relationship will likely begin to look like it did pre-baby. While it is important to accept that your physical relationship will change after baby makes three (for a while at least), this does not mean you should neglect it completely. You might just need to be creative. Too tired for romance at night? Try naptime! You get the idea…

Has your physical relationship taken a hit since your baby arrived? When baby is finally fast asleep, the first thing on the minds of new parents is often sleep, not sex! Furthermore, new moms often don’t feel like themselves after having a baby. Aches and pains, leaky breasts, and self-consciousness about that last bit of baby fat lurking in all the wrong places can certainly sap romantic feelings. One of the best ways you can keep the romance alive is by communicating.

When one or both members of a couple routinely say, “Not tonight, honey,” all sorts of incorrect assumptions can be made – “He doesn’t find me attractive anymore” or “She is giving all her love to the baby and has none left for me.” It is essential that new parents openly discuss how they are feeling about their physical relationship. This is the only way to ensure that misunderstandings don’t ensue. Similarly, if you and your spouse are feeling angry and resentful about day-to-day things, you are unlikely to feel affectionate toward one another. So, use your best communication skills to solve day-to-day problems….your love life will surely benefit.

There is no doubt that getting out for that one date each month is hard. Finding a babysitter who you can trust, who is available to come when you need them, and who you can afford is daunting. But, remember that you don’t need to leave the house to inject a bit of romance into your lives!  You can…. 

-Save some affection for each other: Don’t give all of your kisses, hugs, and coos of endearment to your baby – save a few for your spouse too! A warm hug can communicate a whole lot with no words at all. And, don’t try to use the “I don’t have the time” excuse. A hug or a kiss only takes 10 seconds, tops.

-Reserve time for just Mom and Dad: On at least one evening each week, have dinner with your spouse after your baby goes to bed. Light a candle, have something special to eat (rather than a half-eaten chicken finger from baby’s plate!), and listen to what one another has to say. Even if you are tired and frazzled and have brought a stack of work home from the office, keep in mind that staying connected in this way is the best gift you can give to your baby.