How do we talk to our kids about things we ourselves can’t begin to understand?  Over the next week, I will try to offer tips to help you speak to your children about the recent mass shooting in Connecticut.

There is no “magic age” that marks when we should or should not discuss such a senseless tragedy.  On Friday evening, I was unsure whether to discuss what happened with my 7-year old  (on the other hand, I was sure that I would not be discussing it with my 5-year old).  We were at a community gathering on Friday evening and the decision was made for me as the shooting was the big topic of conversation and my daughter was insistent on knowing what had happened.  I told her in very simple terms what transpired (maybe two sentences, tops).  She was so shocked and asked, “Mommy, could that happened at my school?”  I reassured her that no, our school is so safe and it won’t happen here.  She also asked if the moms and dads got to say goodbye to their kids.  I said, “We say goodbye and I love you every morning and I am sure those moms and dads did too.”  That was the end of our discussion — for now.

In the past few years, my daughter has heard at school about the tsunami in Japan and about the controversy with Elmo.  I am sure that today she will come home from school with more questions and concerns about this unthinkable event that hits so much closer to home.  I will address them as they arise.  The key is to let our kids be the guide.  Don’t give them more information than they need.  Don’t let them watch the news, listen to the radio, or read the newspaper.  Imagine the grief we feel when trying to process all the information that is out there — their young brains can’t possibly cope.

At the same time, don’t avoid.  Don’t say, “We aren’t talking about that” or “It is too sad”.  If we don’t address our kids questions, they will fill in the blanks themselves or have their friends fill in the blanks for them.  And, sometimes they come to less than ideal conclusions.  While we don’t want our kids to get mired in grief, we want them to have a chance to process their feelings and come to an age appropriate understanding of what occurred.  This is a valuable opportunity to show our kids that it is okay to feel emotion deeply, and that at the same time, we have the ability to move on and feel happy again.

The other psychologists in my practice have been passing around many useful articles this weekend on the best ways to talk to kids about tragedy.  I like this one the best and I hope you find it helpful too:

http://www.nasponline.org/resources/crisis_safety/talkingviolence.pdf

The past week or two, I have been given a lot of thought to speaking to children about stressful events — and the value of the truth.

It began when a friend lost his job, and he and his wife asked me if they should tell their seven year old daughter.

Then, I was listening to a segment on NPR about moms with breast cancer and listened with shock to a mom who had decided not to tell her kids (ages 5 and 8, I believe) that she was ill, even as she went through harrowing treatment.

And, finally, I heard about friends who were getting divorced but haven’t yet told their child (well into the double digits) even though one parent had already moved out.

I love that my friends dealing with job loss asked me (a psychologist) what to do, what was best for their child.  I wish the other two folks had been as thoughtful as they were.  Here’s why.

Kids are really, really, super smart.  They know way more than we give them credit for.  They hear conversations when we think they are asleep.  They are totally attuned to changes in routine, like dad all of a sudden not wearing a suit in the morning or mom sitting on the couch a lot instead of being really active.

But, they are not little adults.  So, when they have gaps in their understanding, and don’t see an opportunity to ask important questions, they become anxious.  They either have to sit with uncertainty or try to fill in the gaps themselves, often with totally unreliable or inaccurate information.

I completely believe in telling the truth, in an age appropriate way.  A little finessing is fine….but the essence needs to be communicated.

“Daddy is not going to be working at X anymore.  He is going to look for a new job.  For a little while, our family is going to be a little more careful with money just until daddy gets set again.”

“Mommy is sick.  She has some bad cells in her breast.  She is going to need some operations and some treatments to make her better.”

“Mommy and daddy are getting divorced.  It is totally not your fault.  We adore you and we are going to do everything we can to help you feel okay about our new arrangements.”

Then…let your child ask questions.  Don’t talk too much — you might provide information that they had never thought of (“We hope mommy isn’t going to die.”) that will drive anxiety.  The questions might come right away, or at totally random times in the future.  One thing I have learned as a psychologist and parent is that you can never guess what kids are going to ask.  When my kids’ beloved Grandpa died this summer, one asked if he still had blood in his bones and one asked what Grandma was going to do with his clothes.  I answered both questions as best I could.

Remember that kids are pretty ego-centric.  Their concerns often have to do with themselves, and that is totally valid and okay.  When young kids’ parents split up, I have found that they are often concerned about their new rooms.  Will I have pajamas there?  Will I have all the school supplies I need to do my homework?  Assuring kids that their two houses will include all the essentials often quells a lot of anxiety.  Listen to their concerns, and address them.

And, let kids experience any range of emotions that come.  The thing that really bothered me about the mom with breast cancer on NPR was that she was denying her children the essential life lesson of dealing with a range of emotions.  All children must learn how to feel anger, sadness, anxiety and then figure out ways to bring themselves back to an “okay” state.  How can I feel sad about mommy, but still enjoy my time with mommy?  All children must learn empathy — how can I help mommy when she isn’t feeling well?  All children must learn to rely on others besides their moms and dads — which other adults in my life can help me when I am feeling sad or scared?

Let’s have faith that our kids can learn these amazing lessons, even in the face of stress and sadness!

Our kids live in such an interesting world.  They have access to amazing technology, that can be a blessing (i.e., a fun way to learn, great entertainment on long trips, etc) and a curse (i.e., questionable effects on developing brains and social skills!).  They spend long days in school and seem overwhelmed by homework, even in the first grade (as the mom of a first grader, I can attest to this).

So, I wanted to share a fun experience we recently had that was 100% technology-free, totally pure, and full of learning…just for the fun of learning.  Last holiday season, my 20-something nieces bought my kids a butterfly pavilion (made by Insect Lore).  We put it away because it was not the right time of year for butterflies, but come spring, my husband announced it was time to order our live larvae from California (the card to do so comes enclosed with the kit).

Well, I must admit that when I heard this, I was not thrilled.  We live in an old house and spend a fair bit of money keeping bugs out of our house.  I was not excited by inviting some in!

But, when our larvae arrived, they were in sealed containers, with their own self-contained food.  And, really, they were cute, fuzzy caterpillars.

For several days, we watched our caterpillars eat and grow (our four year old obsessively read The Very Hungry Caterpillar during this phase of the fun!).  They then spun beautiful chrysalides (which our little guy called “Raccoons” instead of “Cocoons”).  Once this had been accomplished, my husband with his gentle heart doctor hands, transferred the Raccoons from their little jars to their mesh butterfly pavilion.  Within days, we observed the “birth” of eight beautiful butterflies.  We then fed them sugar water and cut flowers and this weekend, we will release them into the great outdoors.

Daily, our six year old kept a journal, noting what was happening with our very hungry caterpillars.  The kids played an active role in keeping count of them, helping with their transfer to the pavilion, and feeding them.  It was really an amazing experience!

For “city kids,” it is so rare that we have a chance to really experience the wonders of nature.  I strongly encourage all you Calm Moms to show nature to your kids this summer.  Get a butterfly kit like ours, go hiking, go on a boat ride, visit the beach….anything to get the kids away from the screens and show them our cool, wonderful world.  Happy summer!

SO, fellow moms, I had a NON-calm mom moment last night.  Recently, I have felt frustrated with preparing multiple meals each night — one kid-friendly meal (half prepared dairy-free for my son who has a milk protein allergy and half prepared with as many dairy products as possible for my cheese-loving daughter) and one adult-friendly meal.  With my son slowly outgrowing his allergy and my daughter having just turned five-and-a-half, I decided it was high time for us all to eat ONE meal a night.  Last night was one  in a string of recent disasters.  After a day of work, and picking up two small cranky children from preschool, I slaved over a hot stove (I really did!), put dinner on the table and suffered through an hour of complaining and whining (from the kids) and cajoling and pleading (from my husband and me).  By the end of the meal, I had indigestion and I was practically in tears.  This is just NOT working!

This morning, now that I am calmer, I am offering up some tips for family meals that I am going to try.  I hope you will too if family meals are also a source of frustration in your house!

-Pick your battles: There can be many battles a day with children about behavior, manners, how they treat others, putting toys away, and so on.  You simply cannot have a battle about everything.  Some parents will choose to have battles over food.  I am going to choose not to.  When I really reflected this morning, I realized that my kids are perfectly healthy eaters, they just have a limited repertoire.  Perhaps I would need to pick a battle if there was some problem/issue with their eating, but really, the problem is being created by ME so I am committing to drop it for now.

-Understand your child’s personality: In case you haven’t noticed, kids born to the same parents and living in the same family can be incredibly different.  My son wants to try every bit of food on the table — totally on his own initiative.  My daughter would happily eat pasta with parmesan cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner seven days a week if we would let her.  She does not want to try new foods unless they are chocolate.  Add into the mix a simple fact — when people are on the fence about changing their behavior or have no interest in changing their behavior and are then pushed to change, they dig their heels in and are even more resistant to change.  In other words, when you push, and push, and push a child who is not keen on trying new foods to try new foods, mealtime is going to become increasingly unpleasant.  On the flipside, there is research showing that if a child tastes a new food on repeated occasions, they will grow to like it.  My question, however, is how in the world do you get it in their mouths in the first place?????  If you have had success with this approach, please post it here and let other Calm Moms know!

-Understand your motivation: Whenever we want something to go our way, it is important to think what is motivating us.  Do we want to feel we have power over our kids (eat this, or else)?  Do we want to prevent some terrible health outcome (don’t eat that, or you’ll get heart disease)?  Think about it.  When I did this morning, I realized that (a) I want to expend less effort when making meals and (b) I want kudos.  I want to cook one beautiful meal and have both children and my husband love it.  Well…..

-And then, re-frame your goals to be more realistic: Clearly I need to reframe my goals.  Children are not going to give their moms kudos for a delicious, from scratch, homemade chicken pot pie (one of my recent failures).  Unless it has chocolate in it, no one is going to say thanks.  I need to be okay with this.  So, for the time being, I am going to prepare healthy foods the children will actually eat without cajoling and pleading from Mom and Dad.  This is not a forever plan — it is a for now plan.  Eventually, I do hope we will all sit down to the same meal.  But for now, my goals for mealtime are going to be (a) give everyone a healthy meal that they will eat and (b) have an opportunity to catch up on our days and enjoy each other’s company.

-Have some meal times without kids: Parents should most definitely have mealtimes without their children from time to time.  Going out is great, but even “date nights at home” work well.  Put the kids to bed and make whatever odd foods you and your spouse enjoy.  It is so refreshing to not get up and down a hundred times, and if your husband is like mine, you probably won’t need to cajole him to eat your cooking or vacuum under his seat when you are done.  As an added bonus, cooking for spouses or friends can earn you those kudos we all need from time to time!

Stay tuned later this week for some healthy and easy meal ideas that can be BOTH kid- and adult-friendly!  And, if you have ideas, post them here…please!

One of the fun things about doing the Calm Mom blog is connecting with other like-minded folks out there who are really interested in helping new moms (and dads).  After this week’s post on sibling rivalry, I was contacted by Jason Rago, an educator who designs “Big Sibling Gift Boxes”.  They are so cool!  They include books about being a big sister/brother and also tons of craft supplies to keep kids busy when their moms and dads are busy with the new addition.

Check out Jason’s website:

www.BoxedForFun.com

I have had requests lately to write about sibling rivalry among preschool/kindergarten-age kids.  I decided that I will first dial it back a bit and write about setting up a good sibling relationship right from the start — when a new baby arrives on the scene.  Next week, I will cover issues of sibling rivalry that come up later in childhood.

New babies seem incredibly helpless and needy.  And yes, it is true, they are.  But, psychologically, they are probably less vulnerable than a two year old or four year old or six year old who is getting a new sibling.  And this is why I suggest making the arrival of a new baby all about the big sibling.

In the first couple of months, new babies need to be fed, changed, loved, and they need to get plenty of rest and bits of stimulation.  This is easy in comparison to the psychological needs of an older child who is seeing a steady stream of visitors coming to ooh and aah over this little lump, and bring him presents to boot!  Not to mention sharing mom and dad’s attention and energy with a little person who you did NOT invite into your home.  Consider these tips:

-Let the big sibling be possessive of the new baby: When people come over to visit, allow your big kid to introduce baby, “This is my new baby brother.”  Encourage your older child to share interesting news and details about the baby.  And, when it is your turn to speak, rave about what an amazing big sister/brother your big kid is.  Even if it is not true at first, the more they hear it, the more they will become it!

-Give your big kid age-appopriate jobs: If you haven’t yet noticed, kids LOVE to help out around the house.  Enjoy it now, because it isn’t going to last!  Even very young children can take an active role caring for baby siblings.  They can bring a clean diaper over for diaper changes, press the button on a bouncy seat, sing songs to a baby, and so on.  We can’t quite remember what our little guy’s favorite toy was as a baby…I think because his favorite toy was actually his big sister!

-At first, make the needs of your big kid the priority: This seems wonky, I know (getting back to the whole babies are helpless thing).  But, give this a bit of thought.  With our first babies, we changed diapers the minute the child so much as made a drop of pee.  We fed them the instant they cried.  We ran in at night after one little gurgle or moan.  How many times have YOU heard people say that their first born child has a more difficult or demanding temperament?  Could it because they are accustomed to having their every need met the moment that need strikes?  Consider the second, or third or fourth born.  Often, they need to wait.  They might sit in a slightly wet diaper or wait to eat for ten minutes instead of one minute (we are not talking about hours here guys, we are talking a difference in minutes!).  But, being made to wait might make our later born kids more patient and more able to soothe themselves.  And, by focusing on our big kids after a new baby arrives, we ensure that they do not feel neglected or relegated to second class.  I am not suggesting this goes on forever — just those first few months when your first-born is getting used to having a baby around and your second-born is not terribly aware yet of family dynamics!

-Set fear aside: Often, when a new baby arrives, parents are very concerned about the big siblings spreading germs to the little ones or harming them in some way (they always seem to go for the eyes…why is that?)  Try to set fear aside.  Voicing these concerns is going to interfere in the bonding process.  With respect to germs, learn to accept that babies will get illnesses from their older siblings especially if they are in daycare or school.  They will also get illnesses that parents bring home from work or from going to the grocery store or from really just breathing.  Make sure all family member’s immunizations are up to date and get on with your life!  As for harm, you don’t often hear about big siblings doing grievous harm to their younger siblings.  Make sure to prevent accidents — for example, don’t leave babies in their carseats up on tables or leave loose blankets around baby’s faces.  Beyond that, simply be sure to tell big kids what they CAN do.  If they are touching the baby’s face say, “He really loves when you hold his hand or tickle his toes.”

Do you have any tips on integrating a new baby into your family?  Post them here!

Hi fellow moms,

Sorry it took me a few weeks to get to you on your sleep questions.  Anyone else feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed by this time of year??

A promise is a promise though…so here goes!

Can you figure out how to convince my 4 year old not to wake up the whole house when he wakes up way too early? Maybe that’s not really about sleeping, but it interrupts our sleep!

Great question!  A friend recently shared with me this amazing tip — she has put her daughter’s bedside lamp on a timer set for 7 AM.  For their family, the purpose is that when the light goes on, the little girl is to get up and put her clothes on for school.  For your guy, you could set the timer for when he can get out of bed.  I would make it for a little later than he naturally wakes up.  If the timer isn’t on, he must lay quietly in bed (because laying quietly is still restorative and kids do need their rest!).  When the light goes on, your little guy can get up, shut his door quietly, and play with quiet toys till the rest of the family gets up.  Make sure his room has fun, yet quiet, morning toys so he doesn’t have to trudge around the house finding things to amuse him.  I would also get a calender page just for him and give him a big sticker every day that he is quiet in the mornings (do this right after everyone gets up so the reward is immediate).  If he gets 5/7 stickers in a week, he can get a reward.  This might be choosing what the family eats for dinner one night, picking a movie for the family to watch, or picking a little toy from a bag of treats you purchase at the dollar store.  Make sure to clearly explain the plan before you begin — even four year olds “get” the concept that everyone deserves a good night’s sleep!

And, we had multiple questions along these lines….”How do you keep preschoolers out of your bed in the middle of the night?”

With this one, the major question is…how bad do you want your peace and quiet in the middle of the night?  The reason I ask is that it is hard work to break this pattern…it usually means a week or two of pretty miserable nights.  But, the pay-off is huge!  Privacy, space in bed, and a good night’s sleep!  So, here goes. 

Again, you want to explain the plan and set up a reward calender.  You don’t need to go into a big explanation except something to the effect that “everyone in our family deserves a good night’s sleep and we will all get that if we stay in our own beds”.  Kids also respond well to the big boy/big girl bit — “You’re such a big boy now, you don’t need to come into mommy and daddy’s room anymore.”  Then, when Junior shows up in your bed at night, take his little hand and lead him back to his bed.  Give him a big kiss, and promptly walk back to your room.  It might take several middle of the night walks.  The key is to not talk, plead, cajole, or (worst of all!) give in.   Just keep walking back, with no words, but with a big dose of love.  In the morning, the little guy gets a sticker for each night he makes it through alone.  For the first week, he should get a sticker even if he comes in your room, so long as he agreeably walks back to his room and goes back to bed there.  In the second week, the goal might be no coming in at all.  This is flexible, of course, and should be tailored to your child’s needs.  The walking back, with no words (but a dose of love) really does work!

One side note is that during the day, it can be useful to ask your child why he or she comes into your room at night.  Really little kids often don’t know, they just want to, and that is fine.  But, some do describe fears or difficulty sleeping.  If this is the case, that is another component to work into your sleep plan…if you have specific questions, send them in and I will address them!

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