http://www.huffingtonpost.com/glennon-melton/dont-carpe-diem_b_1206346.html?ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false

I love it.  It perfectly captures what The Calm Mom is all about.

Being a mom is darn hard.  Yes, there are blissful moments in there and boy are they great, but a lot of the time it does feel like climbing Mount Everest.  Like today….when I had to get my dress-obsessed, pink-preferring, 6-year old into pants (because it was gym day) and head-to-toe blue and white (because it was school spirit day).  By the time I got her on the bus this morning, I felt like I had climbed Mount Everest and I was ready to go back to bed.

Here is something to think about, fellow Moms.  I think becoming a mom involves a little bit of mourning.  A little bit of getting over what we THOUGHT parenthood or our kids were going to be like and ACCEPTING what it really is like.  Parenthood is a million times harder than I would have ever thought.  And, my kids are really different from how I thought they would be.  I think problems come about because of negative thoughts (“It should be easier,” “I must be doing something wrong”) or because we try to change things that can’t be totally changed (“I wish I had a mellower kid,” “I wish my child wasn’t anxious,” “I wish my child wasn’t allergic to peanuts.”)  Most parents, and most kids, are trying their absolute best.  What we need to do is less changing and more accepting.  It is totally okay to see parenting as hard.  It is totally okay to feel disappointment about certain traits, behaviors, or problems that our kids bring to the table.  But, rather than trying constantly to push against….the question is….how can I take what I have been given and make things work most of the time for our family?

Drop me a line about your challenges.  What are you constantly trying to change in your family but finding frustrating instead?  Maybe we can shift from change to acceptance and find a better solution…..

Surprised to hear from me?  It’s been eons, I know.  I have been swamped with work, speaking and writing commitments, keeping up my home, and of course, being a mom to two busy kids (they are now 4 and 6!).  But, one of my New Year’s Resolutions is to start up my blog again.  The more you all write in with questions and comments, the more inspired I will be

Here is what is on my mind today — how to tame “greediness” after the holiday season.

Apart from birthdays and the holiday season, we don’t tend to buy new toys for our kids.  They get new books on a continual basis (my obsession as much as theirs) and we keep available a steady stream of craft supplies which both kids love.  But, we have always tried to run errands to tempting stores like Target when they are in school and set ground rules before going places where we know there will be toys but where we don’t plan to buy them (for example, before going to the bookstore, we always say, “You can choose two books, but we are NOT buying toys”).

All of our best intentions about raising nice kids fly out the window at this time of year.  Our children get several little gifts from us during the holidays and they also receive so many gifts from both sides of the family that by yesterday, my den looked like a tornado had hit.  This morning, amidst all of this “stuff,” my daughter actually had the gall to ask (or actually beg) for something else she had seen over the break that she still really wants.  I almost bit her head off.  Calm, I was not.

But, really how can I blame her?  She has spent the past two weeks receiving at least one gift per day.  None of her wants have been denied.  It is hard to re-establish austerity measures in our house!

So, here are some thoughts:

Give to charity after Christmas: Before the holiday break, most schools, churches, temples, and workplaces collect toys for needy kids.  We had some unused toys put away and had the kids select some to give to these various collection sites.  Although I plan to do this again in upcoming years so that needy kids can get gifts for the holidays, I am going to have the kids do another round of collection this weekend.  Because they have so many new things to play with, I am going to ask them to choose a few toys they have outgrown to give to kids who got less than them for the holidays.

Start teaching kids the value of money: I am not sure the “right” age to start doing this, but my kids are 4 and 6 and the time seems ripe.  Before the holidays, I started a chart at home to work on some specific behaviors.  For each five points, the kids got one dollar to spend.  My six year old daughter really wanted a new Dr. Seuss book.  She worked so hard on her points and was amazed to learn after three weeks, that she had enough points to buy only 1/3 of her book!  What an eye-opener.  For kids of this age, it is important to give “in between” rewards so that they don’t lose faith and interest in their reward system.  For example, after five points, you can have a child choose what the family will have for dinner one night, or be the one to select the movie on family movie night.  But, there is nothing wrong with giving a child a longer term project to work on to start getting a sense of the relationship between hard work and money.

Get back to routine: For any of you who have read The Calm Mom blog before, you know I love routines.  I know we have all been off routine during the holidays.  My sister told me last night that her kids have been going to bed at 10:30 PM and waking up at 9 AM (they are 5 and 8!).  My kids have received too many gifts and maybe become a little wee bit greedy.  We can all get back on routine.  Even if kids give us pressure, remember, they like the familiarity and comfort of routine.  Gifts will be more treasured if they come only a few times a year!

What have you done to counter-act holiday greed?  Please tell us here!!!

-Taco night – some families use the usual ground beef, some prefer ground chicken.  One mom suggested using just half the seasoning pack included in taco kits so that the meat is not too spicy for kids.  In general, kids love “making their own” and tacos fit the bill.  Lay out all the possible fillings — cheese, lettuce, tomato, guacamole, salsa, sour cream, beans and let the kids go to town!  I have found that my kids aren’t wild about crunchy taco shells and they are also really messy for three-year-old boys, so we do a quesadilla or fajiita night using flour tortillas.  In my house, I make each child a cheese quesadilla and then they can help themselves to the various toppings as they please.

-Chicken soup – again, the appeal here is that you can kind of “make your own”.  Buy or make the chicken soup with egg noodles, bits of chicken, thinly sliced carrots and other veggies, and if you are so inclined, matzo balls.  You might have one kid that eats clear chicken soup with egg noodles for dinner and another who prefers a bowl with everything in it — but the idea is that everyone can be happy!   Serve with some nice crusty bread!

-Meatballs – When my friend collected these useful ideas, many people wrote in about their love for the meatball, especially prepared meatballs (like from Trader Jo’s) that can be whipped up quickly at the end of the day.  Of course, meatballs go beautifully with pasta and give kids a little dose of protein.  Meatballs can also go into a fun sandwich with sauce and melted cheese.  Other parents suggested mashing up the meatballs and putting them into already adored foods like quesadillas and grilled cheese.

-Rotisserie or roasted chicken: Roast chicken can be a super family food.  Supermarket ones are generally good, but very salty.  For people concerned about sodium, try roasting your own – it is amazing how easy it is even for people who do not consider themselves good cooks (try this Martha Stewart recipe!).  When carefully carved, the chicken has very little “ick” factor for little ones.  We serve it with some delicious dipping sauce (for all your Canadians out there, I bring home Swiss Chalet chicken sauce after every trip home and my kids love it).  As a leftover, roast chicken can be turned into a nice Asian stir-fry or a fun pasta recipe.

-Make Your Own Sandwich Night: Again, we come back to the “make your own” theme.  We put out deli meats, fresh rolls, veggies and various toppings and everyone gets something they enjoy.  Another mom in my friend’s survey mentioned hummus sandwiches.  Her general idea was to take a food her kids already liked and try to grow it into a whole, healthy meal.  I like that idea!  Another riff on sandwiches in my house is Panini night.  I give the kids some choice on filling but don’t feel badly about it because I am basically cooking one thing for everyone.

-From the freezer section: In my friend’s survey, moms suggested pirogues, fish sticks, spinach rolls, various Asian dumplings, and pigs in blankets (hot dogs wrapped in Crescent rolls).

-Homemade Chinese Food Night: Make some plain noodles, make some plain veggies, make some bits of chicken or meat or shrimp with a yummy sauce, make some extra of said sauce (that the raw chicken or meat has not been swimming in) and place everything on table.  Let each family member make their own little Chinese food plate, including garnishes like peanuts or lime wedges (Chinese food purists, I know this is not actually Chinese…but it works!).

-Breakfast for Dinner: In my friend’s survey, many people mentioned making breakfast for dinner – pancakes, waffles, bacon or sausage, omelets, hash browns, etc.  My kids asked just this morning if we can have bagels and cream cheese for dinner.  Why not?  Add in some smoked salmon (many kids like it!), some slices of tomato, and a fruit salad and you have a pretty nice and easy meal for the end of a workday.

-The Ubiquitous Chicken Nuggets: Do you know any children who do not like chicken nuggets?  I don’t.  So, here are my thoughts on the issue.  I buy two brands of nuggets, both of which are made only with breast meat, white chicken.  I do not buy the kind that are made of mushed up rib and other meats.  I do this for two reasons.  First, I have read that the texture of those mushy nuggets encourages overeating because they are so easy to chew and swallow.  I want the kids to experience the “mouth feel” of real chicken under that appealing breading.  Second, I integrate nuggets into our family meal so I buy two brands that are low in fat (relatively) and tasty to adults.  On nugget night, I make a huge salad for my husband and me.  We eat our salads with a nugget or two sliced on top; the kids eat theirs with their ketchup and preferred veggie.  A more gourmet version, and a meal we all love (shocking!), is Chicken Schnitzel.  I follow Thomas Keller’s recipe of French Laundry fame and it is so amazing, you could easily serve it at a dinner party.

-Pasta, pasta, pasta: My daughter could eat plain pasta with fancy parmesan cheese every night for dinner.  The rest of us, however, might go mad.  So, as she nibbles on her favorite meal, the rest of us might have spaghetti and meatballs; pasta with any sort of roast veggie that is in season with a bit of ricotta or goat cheese; pasta with homemade pesto (the kids tried it and loved it last summer after watering the basil all summer, picking it themselves and then helping me whip it up in the Cuisinart); etc.  Some families in my friend’s surveyed mentioned lasagna as another successful family meal.

What do you cook that your whole family enjoys?  Please post your ideas here!

This morning, now that I am calmer, I am offering up some tips for family meals that I am going to try.  I hope you will too if family meals are also a source of frustration in your house!

-Pick your battles: There can be many battles a day with children about behavior, manners, how they treat others, putting toys away, and so on.  You simply cannot have a battle about everything.  Some parents will choose to have battles over food.  I am going to choose not to.  When I really reflected this morning, I realized that my kids are perfectly healthy eaters, they just have a limited repertoire.  Perhaps I would need to pick a battle if there was some problem/issue with their eating, but really, the problem is being created by ME so I am committing to drop it for now.

-Understand your child’s personality: In case you haven’t noticed, kids born to the same parents and living in the same family can be incredibly different.  My son wants to try every bit of food on the table — totally on his own initiative.  My daughter would happily eat pasta with parmesan cheese for breakfast, lunch, and dinner seven days a week if we would let her.  She does not want to try new foods unless they are chocolate.  Add into the mix a simple fact — when people are on the fence about changing their behavior or have no interest in changing their behavior and are then pushed to change, they dig their heels in and are even more resistant to change.  In other words, when you push, and push, and push a child who is not keen on trying new foods to try new foods, mealtime is going to become increasingly unpleasant.  On the flipside, there is research showing that if a child tastes a new food on repeated occasions, they will grow to like it.  My question, however, is how in the world do you get it in their mouths in the first place?????  If you have had success with this approach, please post it here and let other Calm Moms know!

-Understand your motivation: Whenever we want something to go our way, it is important to think what is motivating us.  Do we want to feel we have power over our kids (eat this, or else)?  Do we want to prevent some terrible health outcome (don’t eat that, or you’ll get heart disease)?  Think about it.  When I did this morning, I realized that (a) I want to expend less effort when making meals and (b) I want kudos.  I want to cook one beautiful meal and have both children and my husband love it.  Well…..

-And then, re-frame your goals to be more realistic: Clearly I need to reframe my goals.  Children are not going to give their moms kudos for a delicious, from scratch, homemade chicken pot pie (one of my recent failures).  Unless it has chocolate in it, no one is going to say thanks.  I need to be okay with this.  So, for the time being, I am going to prepare healthy foods the children will actually eat without cajoling and pleading from Mom and Dad.  This is not a forever plan — it is a for now plan.  Eventually, I do hope we will all sit down to the same meal.  But for now, my goals for mealtime are going to be (a) give everyone a healthy meal that they will eat and (b) have an opportunity to catch up on our days and enjoy each other’s company.

-Have some meal times without kids: Parents should most definitely have mealtimes without their children from time to time.  Going out is great, but even “date nights at home” work well.  Put the kids to bed and make whatever odd foods you and your spouse enjoy.  It is so refreshing to not get up and down a hundred times, and if your husband is like mine, you probably won’t need to cajole him to eat your cooking or vacuum under his seat when you are done.  As an added bonus, cooking for spouses or friends can earn you those kudos we all need from time to time!

Stay tuned later this week for some healthy and easy meal ideas that can be BOTH kid- and adult-friendly!  And, if you have ideas, post them here…please!

Dr. Shah is an Assistant Professor of Pediatrics and Dermatology at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine and Attending Physician, Pediatric Dermatology, Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia.  Here are her responses to the questions I sent her.

1.How often should kids bathe during the winter?

KS: Most infants in general, regardless of the season, only need a full bath 1-3 times per week; on other days, parents can target washing to areas such as the face, hands, and diaper area. Toddlers and older children also usually do just fine bathing 2-3 times per week. In any season, but particularly in the winter when the air is cold and dry, attention should be paid to limit the time in the bath or shower (ideally 5-10 minutes or less), to use a gentle non-soap cleanser (examples include Dove Sensitive skin, and Cetaphil), and to moisturize after every bath or shower and ideally 1-2 times per day, more if the skin is particualrly dry. Frequent use of emollients helps to counteract the drying and irritating effects of cold, dry air.

2. Should parents be using lotion on their kids? If so, what should parents look for in a lotion?

KS: I think every child should have an emollient applied at least once daily, including after bathing. Children with eczema or sensitive skin benefit from more frequent applications of an emollient. I generally avoid lotions (generally come in a pump bottle) as these usually have alcohols in them, which can be drying and irritating. I prefer cream-based emollients (examples include Cerave, Cetaphil, Eucerin and Aveeno). Some children with very dry skin or eczema may be better with an ointment such as Aquaphor or Vaseline petrolatum ointment. I avoid products that have fragrance or lots of botanical derivatives added (these can be irritating to sensitive skin and can even cause skin allergies) and those products with a long list of ingredients (less is more !)

3. How about lip balm?

KS: Lip balm in great for cold weather or for kids who lick there lips a lot. Plain old Vaseline/petrolatum works just as well, though ! The one benefit that some lip balms do have is sunscreen, which is important to use during the summer.

4. A lot of kids can’t or won’t keep gloves in during the winter. How should parents handle that? Is it dangerous for kids to be outside in these cold temperatures without mittens or gloves?

KS: When the temperature is below freezing, in particular if there is a significant windchill effect, mittens or gloves should be considered mandatory . Frostbite or frostnip (milder cold-induced skin damage that causes only temporary effects) can and do occur in children, who may not recognize the early signs such as itching and numbness. Parents should start placing mittens on their children’s hands when they are infants to get them accustomed to wearing them. No mittens, no playing in the snow!

5. Should parents be worried at all about the harmful effects of the sun during the winter months? Personally, I wear a light moisturizer all year round, every day, with SPF but it never dawns on me to put sunscreen on the kids when it is 10 degrees outside. Should we be doing so? Or, is the exposure to sunlight good for them (Vitamin D etc.)

KS: Even during the winter, children can develop a sunburn if outside on a sunny day for an extended period of time; the sun is reflected off of the snow and ice. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children wear sunscreen on exposed skin when outside during the winter for extended periods of time. My kids aren’t snow birds and are rarely outside for more than 15-20 minutes; therefore I don’t use a lot of sunscreen during the winter! If you take a snow and ski vacation with your children, however, and they are outside a lot, sunscreen is recommended. Both the American Academy of Dermatology and the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that children receive the recommended daily intake of vitamin D through diet and supplementation as opposed to sun exposure.

Check out Jason’s website:

www.BoxedForFun.com

With that assumption set forth, parents still wonder what they should do when they hear arguing, screaming, and punching between little people who are supposed to be deeply in love.  Here are some thoughts:

-Set a good example: We have talked about this before at The Calm Mom.  Every time we open our mouths, our kids listen (I know it doesn’t seem this way when we are telling them to put their coats on or go to the potty, but they do!).  Our own styles of communication set a template for how our kids communicate to other kids (including siblings) and to us, their parents.  In the past month, when I have been thinking about this topic, I have been alarmed to hear many of my own phrases and intonations in the way my five-year old communicates with her little brother.  It isn’t pretty.  But, full disclosure, it is the way I talk to them when I am annoyed or need them to do something *pronto*.  I need to work on my own communication if I want them to speak more kindly to one another.  Watch out for this in the way you communicate to your spouse.  If you are bossy, demanding, or disrespectful, expect to hear the same style in the way your kids talk to one another.

-Set a no tolerance policy on the few things you deem important: You can’t expect angelic kids 24/7 and  you can’t be instructing your kids on how to behave every minute of the day in the hopes of getting them.  Decide what is absolutely NOT acceptable in your house (in ours, it is physical aggression).  If the children break those cardinal rules, there must be an immediate consequence, ideally something tied to the event that incited the rivalry.  For example, if one child bit the other child during a fight over a favorite toy, that toy should be taken away for a period of time…no exception, no early exemptions!  Also, once everything simmers down, the offending child should apologize to the other child….not a flippant “sorry” but a “Sorry for biting you when you touched my new Rapunzel doll.”

Another great thing to do post-crisis is to role play what the children might do differently if the same situation arose again.  Give each child one minute to tell you (with no interruptions from the other child) what happened.  Then, present a few possible solutions for next time.  And, have the kids practice them.  For example, if the child was trying to play with her new Rapunzel doll and was constantly being interrupted by her younger sibling, she could have sought help from mom to get the little guy busy with something else.  Or, she could have taken Rapunzel to her room and shut the door.  Or, she could have thought up a game for both kids to play together that involved Rapunzel.  This kind of parental intervention takes some time and thought and effort, but does tend to transfer into good results when a similar situation arises again.

-Don’t overparent: For all other quibbling (beyond those issues you deem absolutely unacceptable), let the kids be. Do not swoop in every time you hear them arguing over a toy, or debating which episode of Wonder Pets to watch, or fighting about who gets the yellow swing and who gets the blue swing.  Let them work it out.  Why?  Well….

-Managing on their own is a valuable lesson: Life is full of negotiations, many of which you will not be present for.  If you swoop in every time to solve a problem, your kids won’t know how to solve problems with peers.  Your child will be the one who always tattle tales and always whines to the teacher, and we know that kids like that don’t do terribly well socially.  I actually like listening from another room….even at 3 and 5, kids can do okay with making a plan together — “Let’s watch the Owl Wonder Pets first for you and then the Pig one for me.”  When you hear one of these moments of beauty, swoop in, and REINFORCE.  Tell the kids how proud you are of them — even throw in an extra episode of the Wonder Pets as a reward!

-Sibling rivalry doesn’t end in trips to emergency rooms: A few years ago, I went to a lecture on raising boys.  The speaker was endorsing this hands-off notion.  He pointed out that playdates do not end in trips to the emergency room.  Think about it.  Do you know of any sibling squabbles that ended in trips to the emergency room?  I don’t.  Ask yourself what you are afraid of when your kids fight.  Try re-framing the whole “problem” of sibling rivalry into a valuable learning experience — how to solve social problems in the safety and comfort of one’s own home.

As a P.S., Today’s blog post fits perfectly with this super quote in an editorial by David Brooks (Amy Chua Is a Wimp) in today’s New York Times….

“Practicing a piece of music for four hours requires focused attention, but it is nowhere near as cognitively demanding as a sleepover with 14-year-old girls. Managing status rivalries, negotiating group dynamics, understanding social norms, navigating the distinction between self and group — these and other social tests impose cognitive demands that blow away any intense tutoring session or a class at Yale.”

New babies seem incredibly helpless and needy.  And yes, it is true, they are.  But, psychologically, they are probably less vulnerable than a two year old or four year old or six year old who is getting a new sibling.  And this is why I suggest making the arrival of a new baby all about the big sibling.

In the first couple of months, new babies need to be fed, changed, loved, and they need to get plenty of rest and bits of stimulation.  This is easy in comparison to the psychological needs of an older child who is seeing a steady stream of visitors coming to ooh and aah over this little lump, and bring him presents to boot!  Not to mention sharing mom and dad’s attention and energy with a little person who you did NOT invite into your home.  Consider these tips:

-Let the big sibling be possessive of the new baby: When people come over to visit, allow your big kid to introduce baby, “This is my new baby brother.”  Encourage your older child to share interesting news and details about the baby.  And, when it is your turn to speak, rave about what an amazing big sister/brother your big kid is.  Even if it is not true at first, the more they hear it, the more they will become it!

-Give your big kid age-appopriate jobs: If you haven’t yet noticed, kids LOVE to help out around the house.  Enjoy it now, because it isn’t going to last!  Even very young children can take an active role caring for baby siblings.  They can bring a clean diaper over for diaper changes, press the button on a bouncy seat, sing songs to a baby, and so on.  We can’t quite remember what our little guy’s favorite toy was as a baby…I think because his favorite toy was actually his big sister!

-At first, make the needs of your big kid the priority: This seems wonky, I know (getting back to the whole babies are helpless thing).  But, give this a bit of thought.  With our first babies, we changed diapers the minute the child so much as made a drop of pee.  We fed them the instant they cried.  We ran in at night after one little gurgle or moan.  How many times have YOU heard people say that their first born child has a more difficult or demanding temperament?  Could it because they are accustomed to having their every need met the moment that need strikes?  Consider the second, or third or fourth born.  Often, they need to wait.  They might sit in a slightly wet diaper or wait to eat for ten minutes instead of one minute (we are not talking about hours here guys, we are talking a difference in minutes!).  But, being made to wait might make our later born kids more patient and more able to soothe themselves.  And, by focusing on our big kids after a new baby arrives, we ensure that they do not feel neglected or relegated to second class.  I am not suggesting this goes on forever — just those first few months when your first-born is getting used to having a baby around and your second-born is not terribly aware yet of family dynamics!

-Set fear aside: Often, when a new baby arrives, parents are very concerned about the big siblings spreading germs to the little ones or harming them in some way (they always seem to go for the eyes…why is that?)  Try to set fear aside.  Voicing these concerns is going to interfere in the bonding process.  With respect to germs, learn to accept that babies will get illnesses from their older siblings especially if they are in daycare or school.  They will also get illnesses that parents bring home from work or from going to the grocery store or from really just breathing.  Make sure all family member’s immunizations are up to date and get on with your life!  As for harm, you don’t often hear about big siblings doing grievous harm to their younger siblings.  Make sure to prevent accidents — for example, don’t leave babies in their carseats up on tables or leave loose blankets around baby’s faces.  Beyond that, simply be sure to tell big kids what they CAN do.  If they are touching the baby’s face say, “He really loves when you hold his hand or tickle his toes.”

Do you have any tips on integrating a new baby into your family?  Post them here!

How does the concept of self-expansion apply to new parents?

On the one hand, having a child is amazingly self-expanding, and sharing this experience as a couple can certainly strengthen bonds.  Within days, most of us go from knowing nothing about babies to knowing how to change diapers, feed, and (sometimes!) comfort a baby.

Yet, things can quickly become stagnant in a marriage after having a baby.  Days and nights become a blur of soothing, feeding, changing, and of course, earning a living.  When is there time for self-expansion??

This research tells us that we must make the time.  After all, the greatest gift we can give our kids is a strong and committed set of parents!  Here are some tips on how to accomplish this goal….

-Talk about your days: Once you become parents, all talk does NOT need to revolve around baby.  Ask each other about your days.  Talk about that interesting report you heard on NPR.  Share the office gossip.  Teach each other new things.  On one of our first dates, my husband brought an angiogram, an X-ray image showing how he unblocks arteries in his job as an interventional cardiologist.  Sounds funny, but I loved it, and over the past eight years, I have learned a ton about cardiology and he has learned a ton about the treatment of anxiety disorders.  Might not be dinner conversation for everyone, but we still find it intellectually challenging, fun, and relationship-enhancing to discuss our work.

-Go on dates: I have written about the importance of date nights before.  Now I have research to back up how important date nights are!  This research suggests that date nights should involve something self-enhancing!  Try something new together whether it be a new kind of food, a thought-provoking movie, or a new experience.  Dr. Aron said on the radio yesterday (I am paraphrasing here!), “If you usually go to the opera together, go to a horserace; if you usually go to the races, try the opera.”

-Be Strong Within Yourself: Dr. Aron explained in his radio interview that what we bring to our marriages is a strong predictor of marital success — how self-confident we are, how mentally healthy we are, how much social support we have, etc.  Once we become parents, many women feel lost.  They pour themselves into their babies/their new role of “mom” and they lose the “me” part.  Nurturing the “me” part is totally acceptable and actually, important for being a good mom and having a strong marriage.  If you used to love to cook, get cooking.  If you have always wanted to learn to play the piano, find some time to learn.  If travel is your thing, expose your kids to travel and help them to see how super it is too.  Nurturing these parts of yourself, and then sharing them with your spouse, will serve to keep the spark and excitement in your marriage!

Sorry it took me a few weeks to get to you on your sleep questions.  Anyone else feeling just a wee bit overwhelmed by this time of year??

A promise is a promise though…so here goes!

Can you figure out how to convince my 4 year old not to wake up the whole house when he wakes up way too early? Maybe that’s not really about sleeping, but it interrupts our sleep!

Great question!  A friend recently shared with me this amazing tip — she has put her daughter’s bedside lamp on a timer set for 7 AM.  For their family, the purpose is that when the light goes on, the little girl is to get up and put her clothes on for school.  For your guy, you could set the timer for when he can get out of bed.  I would make it for a little later than he naturally wakes up.  If the timer isn’t on, he must lay quietly in bed (because laying quietly is still restorative and kids do need their rest!).  When the light goes on, your little guy can get up, shut his door quietly, and play with quiet toys till the rest of the family gets up.  Make sure his room has fun, yet quiet, morning toys so he doesn’t have to trudge around the house finding things to amuse him.  I would also get a calender page just for him and give him a big sticker every day that he is quiet in the mornings (do this right after everyone gets up so the reward is immediate).  If he gets 5/7 stickers in a week, he can get a reward.  This might be choosing what the family eats for dinner one night, picking a movie for the family to watch, or picking a little toy from a bag of treats you purchase at the dollar store.  Make sure to clearly explain the plan before you begin — even four year olds “get” the concept that everyone deserves a good night’s sleep!

And, we had multiple questions along these lines….”How do you keep preschoolers out of your bed in the middle of the night?”

With this one, the major question is…how bad do you want your peace and quiet in the middle of the night?  The reason I ask is that it is hard work to break this pattern…it usually means a week or two of pretty miserable nights.  But, the pay-off is huge!  Privacy, space in bed, and a good night’s sleep!  So, here goes. 

Again, you want to explain the plan and set up a reward calender.  You don’t need to go into a big explanation except something to the effect that “everyone in our family deserves a good night’s sleep and we will all get that if we stay in our own beds”.  Kids also respond well to the big boy/big girl bit — “You’re such a big boy now, you don’t need to come into mommy and daddy’s room anymore.”  Then, when Junior shows up in your bed at night, take his little hand and lead him back to his bed.  Give him a big kiss, and promptly walk back to your room.  It might take several middle of the night walks.  The key is to not talk, plead, cajole, or (worst of all!) give in.   Just keep walking back, with no words, but with a big dose of love.  In the morning, the little guy gets a sticker for each night he makes it through alone.  For the first week, he should get a sticker even if he comes in your room, so long as he agreeably walks back to his room and goes back to bed there.  In the second week, the goal might be no coming in at all.  This is flexible, of course, and should be tailored to your child’s needs.  The walking back, with no words (but a dose of love) really does work!

One side note is that during the day, it can be useful to ask your child why he or she comes into your room at night.  Really little kids often don’t know, they just want to, and that is fine.  But, some do describe fears or difficulty sleeping.  If this is the case, that is another component to work into your sleep plan…if you have specific questions, send them in and I will address them!

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