December
2007
Surviving
Your Baby’s First Holiday Season
The holidays can be a daunting time
for everyone, let alone new moms!
Between buying gifts and entertaining,
there is a lot to do. Family issues
often come to the forefront. And, then
there is integrating a new baby into
travel plans, parties, and all sorts of
other activities that don’t exactly mesh
(to say the least!) with the routine you
have been trying to establish. What’s a
new mom to do?
Here are some Calm Mom tips for
surviving (and maybe even enjoying!)
your first holiday season with your
little one:
Give up perfectionistic standards
Before you became a mom, did you
spend months buying the perfect present
for every family member and wrapping it
more gloriously than Martha Stewart
would? Did you entertain a houseful of
people during the holidays, serving up
homemade waffles for breakfast and
making sure all of your houseguests were
cozy each night? Holding yourself to
these same standards this year is a
recipe for disaster. Take a look at our
Caring For Mommies page – remember that
you should be setting yourself ONE
non-baby related goal a day. The
aforementioned holiday extravaganza is
far in excess of that!
What can you do this year to make
life easier for yourself? There are many
great ideas:
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Keep
shopping and spending under control:
Consider doing your holiday shopping
on-line. It’s okay to buy the same gift
for many different family members and
friends. A framed photo of your baby (or
some of the other great gifts available
on the popular photo websites) or a
donation to your favorite charity in
honor of all of the special people in
your life are great ideas. Remember that
it is very expensive having a new baby
in your home. Overspending during the
holidays can cause added stress. Your
baby does not need all ten of the
top-ranked toys for the year, nor does
he need a $200 outfit for his holiday
photos. I promise that he will enjoy the
wrapping paper or the tag on a toy much
more than the toy itself…and I further
promise that he will spit up on his
holiday outfit just as he does on all of
his outfits. Buy one toy and one
inexpensive, washable outfit and put any
excess money that is burning a hole in
your pocket in his college fund!
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Put
limits on entertaining: Book local
hotel rooms for family members who
typically bunk in at your house over the
holidays. Consider catering part of your
holiday meal, or your entire meal. The
cost might be less than you think,
particularly at local supermarkets. Or,
if you would like a home-cooked meal,
make it pot-luck with each guest
assigned to bring one dish. Feel
comfortable setting limits on visiting
time. It is okay to host a holiday lunch
from noon until four. Let people know
that the baby will likely need some
quiet time after all the excitement –
even if it is really YOU who needs the
quiet time.
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Traveling won’t be perfect, but try to
make it as easy as possible: If you
are going to travel over the holidays,
be sure to plan ahead. For nearby
destinations, driving is probably the
easiest option since you will have
control over when to leave and when to
take a break.
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If you
fly, find out the least busy days and
times to fly during the holiday season
(there is a helpful article at
USA today.)
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Be sure to
bring plenty of food and supplies
(diapers, wipes, disposable changing
pads, plastic bags for dirty diapers and
clothes, changes of clothes) in case you
are stuck on a runway for six hours.
And, don’t forget snacks and supplies
for you and your spouse – after all,
hungry parents whose clothes are
drenched in spit-up are almost incapable
of being calm!
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Put your
blinders on to the critical stares of
fellow passengers who think babies
should be seen and not heard. Your trip
will be excessively stressful if you are
worrying about your baby, and about the
other 120 people on board the plane.
Pretend you are in your living room at
home and go about your business.
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Finally,
make sure you have what you need at the
other end. If you are visiting a
relative or friend, it can be very
helpful to have them purchase some food
and supplies for you so that you are all
set when you get there. Also consider
renting baby gear (do a web search or
check out
www.babysaway.com) so that you can
lug less stuff with you.
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Communicate Calmly.
The key to a successful holiday
season with a new baby is to use your
best communication skills to get what
you need, while also respecting the
needs of others. Consider these
examples:
“I know we’ve had you all stay at
the house the past few years. We’d love
to have you stay here, but we are
concerned you’ll get no sleep with the
baby waking up so many times a night.
I’ve booked a block of inexpensive hotel
rooms nearby that I think you’ll really
enjoy!”
“Honey, I know there are a ton of
Bowl games on TV today. I know you
really enjoy watching them. It would be
great if you could entertain the baby
while you’re watching so that I can run
out and get the groceries. It will be
great bonding time for you guys!”
“Mom, I know we’ve always started
Christmas dinner at 8 PM. And, I know
everyone wants the baby to be a part of
things. So, it would be best for
everyone if we could start dinner at 6
this year instead of 8”.
Keep
Things in Perspective.
One of the reasons that the holidays
can be difficult is that suddenly you
are in charge of a little creature who
is not always on his best behavior.
Babies cry, spit up, burp, fill up
diapers with accompanying sound effects,
and wake up in the middle of the night.
New moms can sometimes have embarrassing
problems too, like suddenly noticing
that there are two large circles of milk
on the front of one’s festive new silk
shirt or falling asleep during midnight
mass after weeks of sleep deprivation.
When these kinds of things happen, we
always feel that we are in the spotlight
– everyone must have noticed.
Guess what? We are way less
noticeable to others than we think we
are. When people see you with your
adorable newborn, guess what they are
going to remember? Your adorable
newborn! So, keep your attention focused
on the pleasure of sharing the holidays
with the most special people in your
life, rather than on what kind of
impression you and your little one are
making.
Have reasonable expectations.
On a related note, new parents can
have unreasonable expectations during
the holiday season. They might picture
their little cherub dressed in a
gorgeous holiday dress, sitting quietly
through Christmas dinner that begins at
8 PM, enchanting all of her relatives.
In reality, that dress is likely going
to be covered in drool and spit-up
within an hour and baby will either be
screaming during dinner or fast asleep!
When making your holiday plans, do
consider your baby! Use your Calm
Communication skills to try to adjust
plans to suit her (as in the above
example, asking your Mom to begin
Christmas dinner earlier than usual).
Think of her daily habits and routines
and try to keep things consistent with
that. Does she make a mess of four
outfits each day? Well, festive/holiday
themed outfits are fine, but make sure
they are comfortable, washable, and
inexpensive enough that you can have a
few changes available. Does she go to
bed at 7 PM? Keep her roughly to that
schedule even if it means that she can’t
attend your annual holiday work party.
Enjoy the
little things.
Think about your holiday season the
year before you had a baby. You might
have fit in numerous parties, or a great
vacation to an exotic destination, or a
few holiday days when you worked from
sun-up to sun-down renovating your
kitchen all on your own.
This holiday season will be
different. All of the hard work
associated with caring for a newborn
won’t magically disappear for the week
between Christmas and New Years! So, it
is important to be mindful of the little
pleasures – catching a glimpse of your
baby enjoying some playtime with his
grandparents, watching your baby learn
to clap his hands to your favorite
holiday music, playing with your little
one in your pajamas till noon because
you don’t have to rush off to work.
These special moments are not things
that you will plan – they’ll just
happen. But, if you are too busy and
stressed out, you might miss them. So,
be present in the moment. Make sure that
for some time each day, be completely
focused on BEING with your baby. That
means no phone calls, no emails, no
football games, no cooking, no…not even
any worrying. Just lose yourself in the
moment and cherish those precious
memories.
One advantage of being a behavioral
psychologist is that I know how to read
and understand research studies. Studies
about babies and parenting often make
the news. Great, right? Well, maybe not.
Stuff gets in the newspaper because it
is exciting and bold. However, what we
read on the front page might not map on
to what researchers really learned in
their studies. And, sadly, sensational
stories can influence the way we feel
about ourselves as moms. So, come back
to this page every month to read the
truth! There have been some interesting
articles in the newspapers lately about
the benefits of breastfeeding. I read
these articles with interest. Having
just become a mom for the second time, I
am nursing and need all the motivation I
can get to stick with it during the wee
hours of the night when I wish my
husband could give our little one a
bottle! However, as a psychologist, the
media’s coverage of the seemingly
endless benefits of breastfeeding
concern me. For many women who can’t or
don’t want to breastfeed, these articles
can lead to feelings of guilt. So, let’s
take a look at the latest studies and
see if the results are all that they are
cracked up to be.
Breastfeeding and IQ We
have known for several years that babies
who were breastfed grow up to have
higher IQs than babies who were
formula-fed. This difference is thought
to be accounted for by fatty acids that
are uniquely found in breastmilk. A
recent study published in Proceedings of
the National Academy of Sciences by
Avshalom Caspi and colleagues explored
whether there is a genetic basis for the
relationship between breastfeeding and
IQ.
Was this a well-done study?
This appears to be a well done study.
The study involved an impressively large
sample (3200 children tracked since
infancy). The children were divided into
two groups and the same finding was
found in both groups (meaning it wasn’t
just a chance finding in one sample of
children). The study investigators are
well-known and well-respected.
What were the major findings?
The study found that the relationship
between breastfeeding and IQ only exists
in children who have a variation on a
gene that is involved in the metabolism
of the special fatty acids found in
breastmilk. Around 90% of the children
in the study were found to have this
special genetic variation that causes
the body to break down the fatty acids
more efficiently as compared to children
without this genetic variation. The
study’s findings suggest that
breastfeeding might not be associated
with higher IQ in all children. Rather,
breastfeeding might only be associated
with higher IQ in children with the
genetic variation that Caspi and his
colleagues identified.
What are the caveats? What did the
media miss? This is one of those
studies that does not have a great deal
of “real-world” value (even though it is
interesting!). We are not at a point
where any one new mom can find out if
her infant carries this genetic
variation and then make a decision on
breastfeeding based on this knowledge.
However, since 90% of babies in the
study had this genetic variation, it is
safe to bet that your baby does too!
Breastfeeding, Cholesterol and Body Mass
Index Another recent
study of interest to breastfeeding moms
was presented by Nisha Parikh and
colleagues at the 2007 meeting of the
American Heart Association. This study
focused on whether being breastfed
during infancy is associated with
cholesterol and body mass index in
adulthood.
Was this a well-done study?
This study was part of the well-known
Framingham Heart Study. This study was
started in 1948 and has been following
large groups of participants for several
years in order to gain a better
understanding of the factors that
contribute to heart disease.
An advantage of this study was its
sample size – it involved over 900
adults (average age 41) whose parents
had been in the Framingham Study.
Breastfeeding data was collected from
participants’ moms. One concern was that
moms simply had to answer yes or no to
the question of whether they breastfed
their children for at least a month. In
other words, data was based on recall of
what happened over 40 years ago and
furthermore, the “breastfed” group could
have included people who were breastfed
for a month and people who were
breastfed for a year.
What were the major findings?
Adults who were breastfed as infants
were found to have lower body mass index
and higher HDL (good) cholesterol. High
body mass index and low levels of HDL
cholesterol are both risk factors for
heart disease. In other words, the study
suggests that having been breastfed
might be protective against heart
disease.
What are the caveats? What did the
media miss? I got some help
interpreting this article from Gary S.
Ledley, M.D., an interventional
cardiologist at the Drexel University
College of Medicine and, lucky for us
Calm Moms, my husband! Dr. Ledley did
think that the differences between the
breastfed and non-breastfed groups were
meaningful, particularly with respect to
cholesterol. Dr. Ledley explained that
“breastfed babies ended up with a higher
level of good cholesterol that can help
prevent heart attacks and other heart
conditions later on in life.” What
are the take-home messages of both of
these articles? Breastfeeding does
seem to confer a variety of benefits.
The studies reviewed here suggest that
being breastfed is associated with
increased intelligence and might be
protective against heart disease. This
is great news. However, it is important
to keep in mind that in science,
findings like these are rarely
earth-shattering. The benefits conferred
by breastfeeding are small. Formula-fed
babies are not destined to flunk out of
school or die of a heart attack at a
very young age. There are many other
factors that contribute to both
intelligence and heart-healthfulness.
So, if you are breastfeeding, yes, these
findings can serve as motivation on days
when you might want to throw in the
towel. But, if you are not
breastfeeding, rest assured that your
children will grow up just fine. All
parents, regardless of how they feed
their infants, should nurture
intelligence throughout childhood via a
stimulating learning environment (lots
of reading, chatting, social
interaction, outings, etc.). And,
similarly, it is never too early to
nurture heart-healthfulness through a
good diet and lots of exercise.
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