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January/February 2008

During pregnancy, women typically gain 25-35 pounds.

Do you know anyone whose pregnancy went to full-term who gained only 25 pounds? I don’t.

The reality is that most of us gain a fair bit more. Luckily, giving birth takes care of some of this weight. But, most women leave the hospital still looking fairly pregnant.

Although people are quite forgiving of weight gain during pregnancy, the expectations for weight loss after pregnancy tend to be completely unrealistic.

As an example, in the January issue of Vogue magazine, a caption next to a very thin model reads, “A fluid evening dress drips with glamour on Natalia Vodianova, who appeared in seven [fashion] shows weeks after having her third baby”. This kind of pressure most certainly spurs trends like the “The Mom Job” – a plastic surgery fix-up that moms can get to fix up all the “damage” that ensues from pregnancy (see the October 4, 2007 New York Times).

The media (and often, people in our lives) give new moms a clear message:

You should be able to take your baby weight off…and it should come off quickly.

When messages like this one are in conflict with reality, new moms can be left feeling guilty, ashamed and depressed.

So, what’s a new mom to do? Consider these Calm Mom tips:

	Have reasonable expectations: We have all heard of women who leave the hospital after having a baby in their size 4 jeans. Have you ever met one of these women? I haven’t! Maybe they don’t even exist. New moms must have reasonable expectations about how long it might take for you to look like your normal self again. Your body undergoes vast changes during pregnancy, and expecting to look like your normal self one week post-partum will only set you up for disappointment. We have all heard the old adage – 9 months on, 9 months off. If you set yourself the goal of losing the weight and getting your shape back by 9 months post-partum, won’t it be a pleasant surprise if you accomplish this goal even sooner?
	Not worrying about weight doesn’t mean not doing anything about weight: During pregnancy, many of us get into bad habits, like eating ice-cream on a daily basis or “eating for two”. Furthermore, as pregnancy progresses, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep up a good exercise routine. Once baby arrives, turn over a new leaf. Get rid of bad eating habits and start exercising. A nice side effect of both of these changes will be a boost in your mood – something that all exhausted, overwhelmed new moms can use!
	Keep an eating diary: One of the best ways to gain control of your eating is to keep an eating diary. The simplest way to do this is to write down every morsel that you eat, as you are eating (in other words, this method won’t work as well if you try to remember everything that you ate at the end of the day). Keeping a food diary forces you to think before you eat. It makes it easier to stop at one square of chocolate, rather than eating the whole bar!   If you are an emotional eater, you will find it helpful to add some more detail to your eating diary. Set up a diary sheet for yourself that includes the following columns: date/time; how I was feeling/what was going on before I ate; what I ate; how I was feeling after I ate. After you have kept your diary for a week, review your data. What emotions typically prompted you to overeat? Did you overeat when you were bored? Anxious? Lonely? Depressed? And, how did you feel after overeating? Did you feel better, or did you actually end up feeling even worse because you felt badly in the first place and then you felt badly for having overeaten too? Once you identify your triggers for overeating, try to figure out a way to replace eating with a more productive activity. If you overeat when you are bored, aimlessly flicking channels as the baby sleeps, try doing a project with your hands, like putting photos in your photo album or learning to knit. If you overeat when you are lonely, call a friend or head out for a walk in a public place like your local mall or a park. And, if you are about to indulge, remind yourself that doing so often makes you feel worse, rather than resolving the bad feelings that prompted you to overeat in the first place!
	Look deeper than appearance: Before becoming a mom, how did you evaluate yourself? Did you evaluate yourself based on your career successes? How much money you earned? How well you did in a leisure activity like running or painting? Evaluating how you are doing as a mom is tricky – there is no measurable metric of success like a monthly paycheck or a job promotion. This uncertainty can lead some new moms to become preoccupied with their shape and weight. Getting back to one’s pre-baby weight or fitting into one’s size six jeans are measurable metrics of “success”. Consider, however, whether you are focusing on this stuff because you miss things you had in your life before having a baby. Do you miss your old hobbies? Have you stopped doing community service that you used to really feel good about? Do you miss going to work every day? Give some thought to what is missing, and get it back in there if you can. Similarly, give yourself a pat on the back for your success as a mom.
	Stop checking yourself out: When people are dissatisfied with their appearances, they tend to do a lot of checking. This might include frequent weighing and endless scrutiny in the mirror. The problem with these behaviors is that they rarely make us feel good. In fact, a “bad” weight on the scale, or a particularly bad glance of tummy fat in the mirror can color our moods for the rest of the day. And, negative moods can actually cause us to overeat – a surefire way to fail at losing that baby weight!

If you find yourself doing a lot of body checking, stop it! Get rid of your scale and if you need to, cover up your mirrors. Judge your day on what you did, not on how much you weighed or how you looked.

	Consider simple fixes to body dissatisfaction: Given that your baby weight won’t immediately disappear after having your baby, try some quick fixes to body dissatisfaction. Buy a few new outfits that fit you properly when you are too skinny for maternity clothes, but too big for your old clothes. Treat yourself to a cute new haircut. Make sure you are wearing well-fitting, supportive undergarments under your clothes (especially if you are nursing). These little fixes can make you look and feel better about yourself.
	Take information in the media with a grain of salt: Remember the caption from Vogue that was quoted above? It read, “A fluid evening dress drips with glamour on Natalia Vodianova, who appeared in seven shows weeks after having her third baby”. What does “weeks” mean? Did Ms. Vodianova have her baby two weeks ago….or 20 weeks ago? Similarly, when you see pictures in magazines of celebrities who just gave birth and look thin and fabulous, consider how this image was accomplished. Was the picture airbrushed? Did the celebrity opt for an elective c-section before full term in order to avoid gaining that last bit of weight? Did she have a tummy tuck at the same time as her c-section? Remember, the images we see in the media are often not based in reality.
	Consider the “Spotlight Effect”: When we are feeling badly about our appearance, we believe that everyone notices (and judges us badly because of some real or imagined flaw). Thomas Gilovich, a psychologist at Cornell University, does research on the “spotlight effect.” He defines the spotlight effect as “the tendency for people to believe that their actions and appearance are more likely to be noticed, judged, and remembered by others than is actually the case” (Gilovich, Kruger & Medvec, 2002). In a particularly clever experiment, Dr. Gilovich and his colleages asked college students to wear a particularly embarrassing t-shirt (I believe it sported a picture of Barry Manilow!) as they walked in front of a group of observers. The students in the study wildly overestimated how many of people in the group of observers noticed their shirt. What does this research teach new moms? If you are sporting a slightly larger roll of stomach fat or slightly saggier breasts than before you had your baby, it is quite likely that these differences are way more noticeable to you than to others! What will people notice when they get together with you after your baby arrives? Your baby – not your tummy.
	Be a careful consumer of plastic surgery: Some moms will go the route of plastic surgery to get their pre-baby body back (this topic was even covered in the October 4, 2007 New York Times). But, be mindful that even the most minor plastic surgery procedures are surgery. It is not like getting a manicure or getting your hair dyed. This is serious stuff. People do die from plastic surgery – trust me, I know someone who did. Always, always, always seek out treatment from a board certified plastic surgeon. Have your surgery done in a hospital instead of a free-standing clinic that might lack emergency medical care. And, don’t skimp. Don’t ever go with the lowest cost option. Quality treatment probably will cost more.

In lieu of a Current Event this month, let’s celebrate Valentine’s Day.

Valentine’s Day? Meaning, ROMANCE? With a baby in the house?

Yes, when baby makes three, it can be difficult for parents to keep the romance alive. There are many reasons why the spark might sputter, or simply die out:
 

	Sleep deprivation: When your little one finally falls asleep at night, what is your highest priority? Sleep or sex?
	Time for Mom: Caring for a newborn means round-the-clock responsibility: feeding, changing, soothing, and amusing. When bedtime finally comes, moms often feel the need for some “me” time. At the end of the day, many new moms prefer the company of the TV, a good book, or their pillow to the company of their spouse.
	Building Resentments: Having a newborn in the house can cause tension between even the happiest couples. If you and your spouse just had an argument about the uneven division of responsibilities in your house or about differing views on how to handle a crying baby, it is unlikely you will feel very amorous in the bedroom.

It can be tempting to just put romance on hold till the kids go to college. Yet, the best gift that parents can give to their little ones is a strong relationship. So, what can new moms do to keep the romance alive?

Perhaps the most important tips are to Learn Good Communication Skills and Nurture Your Marriage. For these tips, please click here.

And, here are some extra Valentine’s Day tips:
 

	Remember that making time for your relationship is NOT SELFISH: When there is a new baby in the house, parents seem to believe that every moment of their time and every ounce of their energy must be dedicated to this little creature. New parents often believe that doing something together, for the good of their own relationship, is selfish. There is nothing further from the truth. So, plan a date this month (and at least one every month). Spend at least part of your date talking. Without a baby there to distract you with shrill crying or adorable giggles, you can really focus on what one another is saying! Move beyond the surface topics like who is in the Super Bowl and how many dirty diapers the baby made that day. How are each of you handling parenthood? What can you do for each other to make the transition easier? How is your relationship weathering the storm of your new addition? What do you need to do to ensure that your relationship thrives as well as the baby is? Balance out these deep discussions by spending the other part of your date doing “stuff” that you used to do before becoming parents. This might include seeing a movie, getting together with friends, or enjoying a hobby like hiking, seeing a concert, or going to a sporting event. The idea is to remind one another why you fell in love (and chose to have a baby together!) in the first place.
	Put a little romance in every day: There is no doubt that getting out for that one date each month is hard. Finding a babysitter who you can trust, who is available to come when you need them, and who you can afford is daunting. But, remember that you don’t need to leave the house to inject a bit of romance into your lives! Here are a few ideas to help you accomplish this goal:   Speak to your spouse with respect and warmth. It sounds simple, but speaking to one another with respect and warmth is romantic. Life can get so hectic with a baby that you forget simple hello’s, goodbye’s and I love you’s. Conversation often gets pared down to “Junior needs a diaper change” or “The garbage needs to be taken out.” Take a deep breath and slow down the pace of your day. When you and your spouse arrive home at the end of the day, say hello and ask each other how your day was. And, when you do get into asking each other to do the inevitable tasks of caring for a baby and a house, do remember to ask for help with respect – and gee, remember to say THANK YOU!   Save some affection for each other: Don’t give all of your kisses, hugs, and coos of endearment to your baby – save a few for your spouse too! A warm hug can communicate a whole lot with no words at all. And, don’t try to use the “I don’t have the time” excuse. A hug or a kiss only takes 10 seconds, tops.   Reserve time for just Mom and Dad: On at least one evening each week, have dinner with your spouse after your baby goes to bed. Light a candle, have something special to eat (rather than a half-eaten chicken finger from baby’s plate!), and listen to what one another has to say. Even if you are tired and frazzled and have brought a stack of work home from the office, keep in mind that staying connected in this way is the best gift you can give to your baby.
	Look out for your love life: Has your physical relationship taken a hit since your baby arrived? When baby is finally fast asleep, the first thing on the minds of new parents is often sleep, not sex! Furthermore, new moms often don’t feel like themselves after having a baby. Aches and pains, leaky breasts, and self-consciousness about that last bit of baby fat lurking in all the wrong places can certainly sap romantic feelings. There are many ways, however, that you can keep the romance alive:   Communicate! When one or both members of a couple routinely say, “Not tonight, honey,” all sorts of incorrect assumptions can be made – “He doesn’t find me attractive anymore” or “She is giving all her love to the baby and has none left for me.” It is essential that new parents openly discuss how they are feeling about their physical relationship. This is the only way to ensure that misunderstandings don’t ensue. Similarly, if you and your spouse are feeling angry and resentful about day-to-day things, you are unlikely to feel affectionate toward one another. So, use your best communication skills to solve day-to-day problems….your love life will surely benefit.   Have reasonable expectations: Couples’ physical relationships often change after having a baby. And, this is okay. It is important to have reasonable expectations and know that this is likely to happen and is not necessarily a reflection of the strength of your relationship. As you begin to get more sleep, and feel calmer in your new role as parents, your physical relationship will likely begin to look like it did pre-baby.   Be creative: While it is important to accept that your physical relationship will change after baby makes three (for a while at least), this does not mean you should neglect it completely. You might just need to be creative. Too tired for romance at night? Try naptime! You get the idea…
	Get the help you need: If a couple is having difficulties before having a baby, it is very unlikely that the baby will solve everything. If anything, the new addition is likely to further stress existing problems. Now that you have a baby, it is essential to strengthen your relationship. Often, couples find that a therapist can be of great help if they are not moving forward with solving problems on their own. Yes, seeking help takes time and yes, it takes money…both of which are often already stressed by your new little family member. But, the pay-off for your baby can be priceless. Check out therapist listings at locator.apa.org or therapists.psychologytoday.com.