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In a recent Calm Moms survey, we asked new moms:

What change has occurred in your personality since becoming a mom that you are LEAST proud of?

There was definitely a recurring theme in the responses that new moms provided. Almost every new mom reported feeling frazzled and inpatient and yelling much more than they ever had before. One woman wrote, “I have caught myself yelling at my son like I remember my parents yelling at me - I'm really trying to change back to the non-yelling woman I was previously.”

What brings about irritability and anger for new moms?

	There is no doubt that sleep deprivation is a major factor. Anyone who is going on five hours of sleep a night (interrupted, of course) is prone to snap at the smallest irritation.
	Another factor is role adjustment. Becoming a mom means taking on an entirely new role in a life, while also learning how to balance being a mom with all of one’s existing roles (spouse, employee, etc.). The stress associated with this role adjustment can certainly lead to irritability.
	Babies themselves can contribute to irritability and anger. Prior to having a baby, it is almost impossible to imagine how these precious creatures could press our buttons. But, when babies cry endlessly, fling their food on the ground, wriggle like a fish when you are trying to clean a very messy diaper, or dig up your favorite house plant, they can turn even the calmest mom into a raving lunatic. Furthermore, babies = unpredictability. You might have spent a few hours making a delicious birthday dinner for your husband, only to have your baby cry through the whole meal. Or, you are about to head off on a long planned vacation and your baby comes down with the chicken pox. On the one hand, you feel badly for your little one. On the other hand, you might feel resentful about how little control you now have.
	And, how about your spouse, who you used to think was near perfect? Even the hardiest of marriages can take a hit when baby makes three. With all the stress of a new baby in the house, it can feel like a spouse is not around enough and when he is, does not do enough (or do things the “right” way). And, with all the attention on babies, moms can begin to feel neglected, also bringing on feelings of anger and frustration.

Thankfully, there is a lot that new moms can do to deal with anger, frustration, irritability and the accompanying loss of temper! Consider these Calm Mom Tips:
 

	Be Your Own Behavior Therapist: What brings on your own temper tantrums? Do the same things consistently bug you? Once you figure out your anger triggers, you can try to change the situation so that life feels a bit calmer for you. Here are a few examples:   Do you get frustrated when your baby tries to roll over during a diaper change? Have a basket of small toys and books on your change table so that you can hand something to your little one to entertain him during diaper changes.   Do you want to cry when your baby throws his bowl of food on the floor? Take the food away and end the meal. Once he learns that his behavior results in food being taken away, he won’t do it anymore. And, before you label me as cruel and depriving, keep in mind that babies begin throwing their food around when they are done eating and feel bored!   Do you get annoyed that your husband doesn’t help with the baby? Figure out why he doesn’t. Do you criticize him for doing everything “wrong”? Do you reprimand him for not catching a poopy diaper fast enough? Do you bark at him to help you out and then refrain from thanking him when he does? Changing your behavior can have a magical effect on his behavior. Ask your husband for help politely, don’t criticize the way that he does things (just because it’s different from your way), and for goodness sake, say thank him! He will feel so good that he’ll want to be involved with the baby more and more.   Check out the Calm Mom Coaching page if you want more help with learning to Be Your Own Behavior Therapist.
	Accept that life with a baby is less than perfect! A great source of irritation for new moms is seeing that life doesn’t run quite as smoothly with a new baby as it did before baby. Are you always running late? Do you regularly look down at your clothes during an important meeting at work and notice a splotch of spit-up? Does your house look like a tornado just ran through it? Well, fellow Calm Moms, now is the time to move into a stance of acceptance. Life is different with a little one and trying to maintain your perfectionistic standards will land you in only one place – an irritable one. This is not to say that there is nothing you can do to make your life a bit neater and more orderly. One key however is to adjust your own behavior rather than placing unrealistic demands on your little one. As an example, rather than getting furious with your baby if you are running late to get somewhere, readjust your own sense of time. Babies will spit up all over or have a diaper disaster right as you are on your way out of the house. Toddlers will run around the house naked when you are rushing to get them dressed for daycare so that you can get to work. You will notice that you look like a total mess right as you are about to make an important presentation at work. So, give yourself extra time – more than you can imagine needing. When you aren’t in a mad rush to get somewhere, tension will be lower. And, when you are calm, your baby will be calmer too.
	Do some Calm Thinking: Particularly if you are a calm person, not prone to anger, yelling at a baby can make you feel awful and can begin a cascade of negative thoughts – “I am a terrible Mom,” “I am sure my best friend doesn’t scream at her kid,” etc. Give yourself a break. We all lose our temper from time to time. It’s normal. Don’t equate a momentary lapse in sanity with your abilities as a mom. Yelling, “JUST STOP!” after your baby has been crying for four hours straight does not mean you are a bad mom.
	Give yourself a time out: A baby who is infuriating you one moment can have you collapsing in giggles the next. So, if you are feeling very frustrated, give yourself a time out. Rather than yelling, or snapping, or losing control in some other way, remove yourself from the stressful situation. Put your baby in a safe place like his crib or a swing and step into the next room. Do something relaxing for five minutes – make a cup of tea, do some deep breathing, call a friend. Often, by the time you come back your baby will have calmed down too. Furthermore, by removing attention from “bad” baby behavior, the baby will be less likely to continue engaging in that behavior.
	Give yourself a break: It is not healthy to be a mom 24/7, with no breaks ever. Don’t be a hero. Patience begins to wear thin when moms don’t have any time away from this, the hardest job in the world. Making plans for a dinner out with a friend or your spouse, taking a half-hour to go for a jog or get a manicure will leave you with a renewed feeling of energy and patience.

As we have noted, it is totally normal for new moms to feel irritable to even lose their temper from time to time. However, if you are losing your temper regularly or feel at risk of harming your baby, you must get help as soon as possible. A great place to start is with your obstetrician. Call and ask for names of mental health professionals in your area who regularly work with new moms. Here are some other helpful resources for finding a therapist in your area:

American Psychological Association Psychologist Locator

Psychology Today, The Therapy Directory

Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, Find a Therapist

Your fellow Calm Mommies are Moms on the Go! Forty-five percent of our respondents had gone away with their babies 2-5 times, and amazingly, 27% have been away with their babies more than 10 times. And, we’re not talking a trip to Grandma’s in the next town over. In fact, 50% of our respondents had embarked on trips that took longer than 10 hours from door-to-door.

A few respondents had not yet traveled with their little ones. But, all reported that this was because the opportunity had not come up yet, not because they felt anxious to do so.

Overall, moms rated travel with little ones moderately difficult and moderately fun. On a scale from 0-10 with "0" being not at difficult and "10" being extremely difficult, moms rated traveling with babies a 5.6. And, on a scale with "0" being not at all fun and "10" being extremely fun, moms rated traveling with babies a 6.9. In other words, by a slight margin, the fun seemed to outweigh the challenges!

What do Moms find fun about travel with babies?
 

	Most Calm Moms commented on how nice it was to see their babies interact with far-away family members.
	Many moms also commented on how their babies seemed to enjoy the adventure (e.g., “She had fun when she went on a plane. She liked smiling at all the strangers that were rolling their eyes because they had to sit next to a baby.”)
	Some other interesting comments:   “It was fun to see a place through my daughter’s eyes that I had seen 100 times before”. –“People always feel comfortable coming up to you with a child, so you get to meet interesting people that you would not have had the opportunity to otherwise.”

What do Moms find challenging about travel with babies?

	Changes in sleep patterns – for babies and parents!
	Gear – remembering to pack everything you need, plus the physical toll of having to lug everything with you. This is especially challenging when you are traveling alone.
	Travel delays.

Some great pieces of wisdom from your fellow Calm Moms:

Slow down and accept whatever comes your way:

“Accept that nothing will go as planned!”

“Stay lighthearted, something is bound to go wrong.”

“Do not rush; everything takes a lot longer than expected.”
 

Don’t worry about other people. In fact, see them as a source of help:

“Relax! Everyone travelling either has children or are around other kids and understand your dilemmas.”

“People are very understanding - more so than you would expect.”

“Relax, enjoy and don’t be afraid to ask for help. We all may be super moms but, we could all use a helping hand."

Be prepared: Moms emphasized the importance of having a good stroller, lots of wipes, diapers, food, extra clothes, Tylenol, etc. Once you have enough of these essentials, “everything else is workable” said one mom.

For more information on traveling with little ones, check out the Calm Moms Hot Topic article on “Traveling with Babies”.